Ted Cruz Says He’ll Stand Under the Mistletoe With Trump If Ivanka Won’t

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a weekly press conference held by Senate Republicans, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) was asked for his thoughts on whether former, one term, twice permanently impeached President Don Trump should run for his party’s nomination again in 2024. Cruz’s answer was as unsurprising as it was deferential to Trump.

“I think he should run, of course I do. My feelings on Don Trump’s presidency are the same as my feelings about my ugly wife — I feel whatever Trump tells to me feel,” Cruz explained.

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Sen. Cruz then said he’s “never had a stronger bond” with Trump, and promised to “stick loyally by his side,” even volunteering to show Trump physical affection this holiday season.

“I’ll be by Don Trump’s side, or more accurately behind Trump’s backside, for the rest of my days. I love him that much. In fact, I love him so much I can’t wait to give him a big ol’ kiss under the mistletoe, as long as First Lady Ivanka doesn’t mind, or if she doesn’t want to this year,” Cruz told reporters.

Cruz also promised to spend his entire Christmas break from the Senate with Trump, at his South Florida resort.

“I figure, whether it’s South Florida or Cancun, the people of the Great State of Texas just want me as far away from them as humanly possible, and they won’t care if I leave the Lonestar State for a couple weeks,” Cruz said.

While not wanting to “spoil the surprise,” Cruz did drop a few hints as to what he got Trump for Christmas this yaer.

“Let’s just say it rhymes with ‘the orange smildo I bought and call ‘Mr. Trump’ every night while Heidi straps it around her ugly waist and pegs me with it as I scream ‘I AM MAGA’S BITCH!’ at the top of my lungs,” Cruz hinted.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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