Biologists Confirm: Ted Cruz is a Sentient Crotch Cyst

In an unforeseen turn of events, sources say that top Republican brass are weighing their options, and feverishly researching reams of legal documents, and even the Constitution, hoping to find some way to keep one of their most infamous elected officials in office. The key question is whether or not somebody is required, by law, to be a human being in order to be a United States Senator, or if certain exceptions can be made.

“We want him around, obviously, because everybody looks better by comparison, but the law’s the law. If you have to be a human being to serve in the Senate, Ted might be done for,” one anonymous Senator told us via Skype.

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A newly released scientific study seems to suggest that Sen. Ted Cruz (Q) of Texas is not human; at least not fully. Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the Scientific Research Institute of the World held a press conference announcing his team’s findings this mornings, sending shockwaves through the Hill.

“The data and the evidence is quite clear. At the bare minimum, Ted Cruz is at least 92%, chemically speaking of course, a sentient crotch cyst,” Dr. Hornaydieux explained.

“That is to say, he’s got the same exact molecular structure as a cyst you might find buried in your left, inner thigh. It’s quite remarkable, really. If you were to show me two pictures, one of Ted Cruz, and one of a crotch cyst, I couldn’t tell you which is which, scientifically speaking. Play me a video of each, though, and it’d be easy, because the crotch cyst isn’t a racist, carpetbagging slimeball, and doesn’t speak as such.”

It’s unclear if Ted Cruz is malignant or benign, but Hornaydieux has his theories.

“I mean, Ted Cruz being a cancer is kind of already a pretty solid paradigm as it is. So if it does turn out that he’s literally a cancerous cyst on someone’s crotch, I would be the least surprised person on the planet,” Hornaydieux said.

Dr. Hornaydieux promised to publicize the results when and if his team is able to determine if Ted Cruz is a cancer, or just reminds us all of cancer.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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