DOUCHEBAG RANCH, TEXAS — Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), forcefully defended President Donald Trump on NBC’s “Meet the Press” this morning. Cruz assailed House Democrats’ impeachment proceedings against Trump; proceedings that will almost assuredly result in Articles of Impeachment being drafted against the president.
Democrats have argued that Mr. Trump violated the Constitution and abused his power in seeking to force Ukraine into politically-motivated investigations of former Vice President Joe Biden’s Hunter. Cruz, while being interviewed by Chuck Todd, also repeated a right-wing conspiracy theory that Ukraine interfered in the 2016 election, despite the fact that the Republican-controlled Senate Intelligence Committee thoroughly debunked that theory in their own report on Russia’s efforts to meddle in the election.
Senator Cruz went so far as to call the impeachment hearings a “kangaroo court,” which has been a favorite and consistent talking point of Congressional Republicans since the proceedings began.
"This is a kangaroo court in the House. They are going to impeach, not because they have the evidence, but because they hate the president … It's going to go to the Senate. It's going to go nowhere," @SenTedCruz on the future of the impeachment inquiry. #MTP
— Meet the Press (@MeetThePress) December 8, 2019
Cruz’s turn toward defending Trump has caused quite a few eyebrows to raise. The senator himself was a victim of Trump’s politically-motivated smears and lies, when competing against him in the 2016 Republican primaries. Then-candidate Trump famously mocked Cruz’s wife’s looks, and openly questioned whether Cruz’s father — a Cuban national — had a hand in the assassination of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Todd, citing those outright lies, asked Cruz about them, and asked if he thought it was possible for Trump to make things up to benefit himself politically. Senator Cruz didn’t answer those questions directly.
Later this afternoon, Cruz was spotted at a Tex-Mex restaurant not far from his home. Cruz was spotted still wearing the same suit he had on for his “Meet the Press” satellite interview. Cruz agreed to take a handful of questions from reporters about his interview. The staunch conservative said he had “zero regrets” about defending a man who had savaged himself and his loved ones because “politics makes strange bedfellows and sycophants out of weak, cowardly, feckless pieces of shit.”
“This is how the sausage gets made,” Cruz said. “I don’t know what everyone’s problem is. Wouldn’t you make nice-nice with someone who abused the mother of your children in order to save your political career so you could keep right on taking a salary from the American taxpayers? I’m sure you would! I was just doing my patriotic duty, and plus, once you get used to the smell, his groin isn’t so bad, I promise.”
Cruz said he had “no real reason in particular” for defending Trump so vigorously.
“What are you guys talking about? Why would I have any ulterior or secret motives for defending the guy who called my wife ugly,” Cruz asked. “These are, um, my kids’ handprints. Yeah, that’s the ticket! I always put orange lipstick on before media appearances! Get your minds out of the gutter, and report the facts as I’ve made them up!”
Eye witnesses say that Cruz had the scent of borscht, shame, and a light waft of Russian piss-whore could be detected on his breath.
“Why would I have any other motivation for defending the man who accused my father of helping murder a president? That’s just silly-sauce,” Cruz insisted, trying in vain to wipe orange spray-tanner off his lips and nose. “My face always looks like this; it’s sunscreen. I definitely don’t know what his bodily fluids smell and taste like, and I have no idea why I volunteered that without you asking about it, but just pretend I didn’t say anything about it, okay?”
When pressed, though, Cruz did have a couple of theories as to why he found it so easy to stop calling Trump out for the liar he is on the campaign trail and start jumping to his defense, a couple of years later.
“Well, first of all, I had most of my spine and ribs removed a long time ago so I could suck my own dick, and there’s always plenty of room for more in there. Anyone who’s seen me smugly preening for the cameras knows how much I enjoy the taste of my own cock,” Cruz said. “So being a spineless, gutless, cowardly, little traitor, it was not very hard at all for me to swallow my pride so I could swallow some Trump. Plus, once Ivanka gave me some tips on how to get him off quickly so you could get what you want out of him as soon as possible, I realized it wasn’t so bad, and I actually like the taste of fetid treachery and white nationalism.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.