Which Barnyard Animal Does Devin Nunes NOT Fuck?

Recently, Satirical Facts published a piece entitled “Can We Bait Goat Fucker Devin Nunes Into Suing Us, Too?” In the interest of transparency and full disclosure, that outlet is owned by the same corporate behemoth that owns this outlet, Farts, Sharts, and Darts, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Tk421 Media, which is expected to be purchased by Disney, eventually. The publication of this article ended up coming with real-world consequences for the certified genius who wrote it. In the interest of transparency and full disclosure, that writer is owned by the same corporate behemoth that owns this outlet, Farts, Sharts, and Darts, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Tk421 Media, and who is to be purchased by Disney, eventually.

According to a post on his Instagram account, the truly brilliant, gifted, amazingly talented, and semi-okay hung author was placed on 3-day Facebook ban for “meme”ing his piece and sharing it as an image with a link to the website for Satirical Facts.

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😂😂😂 fuck off, Facebook.

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Unbeknownst to the author at the time, the term “goat fucker” has been used by racists to label Muslims. Apparently, those same racists didn’t understand that in most Muslim cultures, goat is eaten, and it’s kind of weird to fuck animals you eat. Unless you’re into fucking and eating animals, and at this point we have no evidence to refute that Congressman Devin Nunes in fact, does not enjoy eating and fucking animals, particularly goat.

However, in the interest of not defending their right to use racial slurs, even if they’re only used by complete and total morons, and goat fucking is universal and not race or culture-specific, Satirical Facts has decided not to pursue an appeal of Facebook’s ruling. Though they maintain that Devin Nunes most certainly fucks goats, and hope that they will still be able to bait the notoriously litigious Nunes into suing them, the question does get naturally raised — does Nunes have any barnyard animals on his farm that he doesn’t fuck?

That’s the question this publication wants to answer. To be certain, we must reiterate we have absolutely no hard evidence that Devin Nunes fucks every single barnyard animal on his farm. It’s all just hearsay evidence. As in, we hear a lot of people tell us that Devin Nunes fucks sheep, cows, pigs, and even chicken.

“I know for a fact that Devin likes to make chickens go bagock on his cock,” one person with knowledge of the situation told us on the condition of anonymity to speak freely. “In all reality, it’d probably be easier for me to make you a list of the animals he doesn’t fuck, know what I mean?”

Allegedly, Nunes loves to makes jokes about his proclivity for the animals he cares for on his farm.

“He likes to say he’s raising livestock for his live cock a lot,” our source told us. “Again, he’s a very gross man. I mean, clearly. When he’s not fucking barnyard animals, look who he’s sucking off. Anyone who gets that close to the president’s groinular region is a disgusting person, so even though I have no actual evidence of Nunes fucking farm animals, it’s not that far a leap of logic, right?”

Though we cannot state enough that all of this is speculation, we know that Mr. Nunes won’t care, because he clearly loves speculating about things and tossing out wild conspiracy theories to the masses. In our own offices, we’ve speculated that Nunes fucks chickens the most, since he seems to love fellating the biggest chicken to ever occupy the Oval Office. Others on our staff think it’s clear he fucks cows the most, given he’s locked in a bitter dispute with a fake cow on Twitter, and suing the person who runs the account.

Still others have speculated he can’t fuck any farm animals because, firstly, he has no dick. Again, we cannot say for certain he has no dick, but as our source pointed out to us, even us simply talking about it out in the open shouldn’t offend Mr. Nunes’ sensibilities.

“I have as much evidence that Nunes fucks pigs as he has evidence that Ukraine meddled in our elections,” our source said, “So if he gets to bleat that bullshit, I get to say what I think is the case in terms of his fucking of animals, which again, he fucks a lot of.”

Our source says they base their assumption that Nunes fucks farm animals mostly on the fact that he owns a farm, but spends most of his time either in the nation’s capital defending Trump, or in Ukraine trying to help the president pressure a foreign government into meddling in our elections.

“Why else would someone own an expensive farm with farm animals and not actually work that farm? I mean, sure, maybe he owns the farm just so he can pretend he’s a farmer and get votes from the farmers in the region,” our source supposed, “but I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on here. Devin Nunes fucks farm animals, and the list of animals he fucks is extraordinary long, which other than his impeachment hearings rants, is the only time you’ll hear that word associated with Devin ‘Barnyard Fucker’ Nunes.”

Will the world ever know for certain which barnyard animal Devin Nunes doesn’t fornicate with? That seems unlikely, given how private Nunes is about his taste for animal flesh. However, we won’t stop our investigation until we’ve exhausted every lead possible, and we hope you’ll join us on this quest for the truth.

If Mr. Nunes does happen to read this, please feel free to sue us, as well. We love publicity and attention, just like he does.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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