WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Trump’s Rectum) called on his fellow Republicans in the Senate to demand former Vice President Joe Biden’s son Hunter testify in an impeachment trial, should the House pass articles of impeachment against Donald Trump.

Yesterday, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced that she was instructing House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler to draft impeachment articles after a few weeks of hearings, both behind closed doors and public, in the judiciary committee and in Rep. Adam Schiff’s intelligence committee. Pelosi’s call for articles of impeachment came a day after the judiciary committee heard testimony from three constitutional scholars who all said Trump’s behavior in regards to his efforts to pressure Ukraine into investigating Biden, in an attempt to dig up dirt that would help discredit his father.

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Democrats have argued Trump’s actions amount to a quid pro quo, and show a wanton ability on Trump’s part to abuse his enormous power for personal political gain. The scholars who the Democrats called to testify in the judiciary committee largely echoed those sentiments. All three drew comparisons to what former President Richard Nixon was accused of in his articles of impeachment, though the House never got to vote on them because Nixon resigned before he could be formally impeached.

Congressman Jordan and his fellow House Republicans have attempted to dismiss the allegations of a quid pro quo by insisting that the Ukrainian government was unaware that President Trump was attempting to extort them in exchange for a politically-motivated investigation into Joe Biden’s son Hunter. Jordan would later tell reporters his reasoning for that line of questioning.

“If a man is being robbed by his neighbors, but he has no idea his neighbors are robbing him, do we still prosecute the robber? Adam Schiff would like to think that we still do,” Jordan said when some reporters found him rinsing his mouth with mouthwash, which he’d later explain was to wash the taste of Trump’s groin region out. “But if this is America, then the answer is, obviously, we don’t. Especially if the robber is technically the President of the United States and the robbery is actually an attempt to subvert American foreign policy for political gain. And if you add in the fact that he’s a white Republican president? Hooo boy! You’ve got yourself quite a mess on your hands, if you ask me.”

Jordan insisted that “what really needs to happen” is that if articles of impeachment are adopted, and a trial is held in the Senate, Republicans need to compel Hillary Rodham Clinton to testify about the connection between Benghazi and Trump’s call with the newly elected Ukrainian president.

“Don’t any of you have even the slightest bit of curious inclination to see what’s going on with Hillary Clinton, Benghazi, and this coup by Constitutional authority? I know I do,” Jordan said, “and quite frankly if you don’t have some curiosity about Benghazi’s connection to Trump’s call with Ukraine, I have to wonder if you’re even a red-blooded, ammo hoarding, God fearing, patriotic American white nationalist or not!”

Rep. Jordan threatened to hold his breath until Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell agrees to force the whistleblower to testify publicly and also compel Ms. Clinton to give yet more testimony to the House Intelligence Committee. Former Secretary of State Clinton faced a marathon grilling session a few years back, when Republicans controlled the House and its committees. Notably, she has given more sworn, public testimony on Benghazi than President Trump gave in even written testimony to Special Counsel Robert Mueller, and more than any of the administration officials the White House has ordered not to comply with the impeachment proceedings.

“We’ve already established that Secretary Clinton is the literal antichrist and that she is also a stone cold, ice her in veins killer,” Jordan said. “What’s really disturbing to me, though, is the idea that we could know all this and Schiff, Pelosi, and Nadler don’t want to call Secretary Clinton just because they say this is an irrelevant distraction! Excuse me, but as a Republican I know a thing or two about irrelevant distractions, and I’d say this much more properly described as ‘political theater’ or ‘obvious partisan knee-jerk defensiveness.’ So, why don’t you all ask the Democrats why they’re being jerks about this and not letting us call call the shots instead?!”

Before running off, Jordan also stated that he believes the president is the “victim of a nefarious coup.”

“Of course it’s nefarious. They’re nefariously using the powers the people of the United States gave them in the midterms,” Jordan insisted. “They’re nefariously trying to check and balance our Dear President’s power, and I’m sorry, but I took an oath to defend something or other, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to defend whatever bullcrap they say gives them the right to ensure the president is held accountable!”

Jordan doesn’t think that the path to getting Clinton to testify goes through anyone but former Vice President Joe Biden’s son Hunter.

“The bottom line is that we need to get Hunter Biden to testify about why Hillary won’t testify about Benghazi and how it related to the president’s call with Ukraine,” Jordan said. “It’s so simple, I don’t know why all the Democrats and their liberal friends in the media can’t see it, but here we are anyhow.”

Senator Lindsey Graham, upon removing his head from the president’s anus and hearing the news of Jordan’s demands, said he “couldn’t agree more” with them.

“I think we should, frankly, dig up James Madison and ask him just who the hell he thinks he is,” Graham said. “This impeachment coup goes all the way back to then! If you ask me, we should probably resurrect Madison and anyone else alive back then who thought it would ever be a good idea to not let the president use the government as his own personal piggy bank and private eye firm. Now if you’ll excuse me, the president’s balls will NOT fluff themselves.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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