WASHINGTON, D.C. — So far in 2019, CBS News reports that there have been more mass shootings than days on the calendar. One such shooting took place in Odessa, Texas, the state Senator Ted Cruz represents, just days ago. As has been the case in the wake of nearly every mass shooting incident, talks of various gun control legislation started, with the usual voices chiming in with support or criticism of those efforts. Senator Cruz, as his usual wont, took to Twitter to defend the Second Amendment, and guns more broadly.
Cruz defended a fellow Republican who called owning a gun a “God given right,” despite there being no appearances of a single firearm anywhere in the Bible. Cruz tweeted at celebrities who attacked him for sending thoughts and prayers to shooting victims instead of committing to taking concrete actions to try and stem the tide of mass shootings in America. Senator Cruz tweeted a lengthy, 10-tweet thread on the subject over Labor Day weekend.
This morning, Senator Cruz took his devotion to and defense of firearms to whole new, even stronger level than ever before.
“There is, of course, no denying that Jesus Christ himself ordained guns as the one, true, good, clean, patriotic way of defending your life not just from the radical government you elected, but the libtards you elected the government to protect you from,” Cruz told reporters as he fished a booger out of his nose and ate it, without flinching, “and that is because Jesus Christ knew what we all know — guns are literally harmless.”
Senator Cruz explained that “only cucks and libtards” are afraid of guns. He said that’s because over the years, they’ve been manipulated by mainstream media outlets into “thinking guns are anything but benign instruments of fun, love, and peace.”
“Guns are, quite frankly, the only reason any of us are free today,” Cruz said, “because guns are, quite literally, the only way average Americans can truly express how much liberty they have. Frankly, I think it should be illegal to speak ill of a gun in any way, shape, or form, because guns are literally the only way our freedom of speech works, you see. Does this make logical sense? To morons, yes. And that is who I gladly represent.”
Cruz believes guns are “so not a big deal” that he offered to demonstrate to the entire world just how “nice, loving, and quite frankly giving” guns can be.
“Guns aren’t just totally safe no matter who’s holding them,” Cruz said, “they’re also gentle, kind lovers. They fuck hard, sure, but they fuck with love. They fuck with care. So, if you’ll all permit me, I’m going to demonstrate how safe this gun right here is by lubing it up and ramming my dick inside it a few times. You understand.”
Cruz assured everyone this “wasn’t just some lame attempt to finally get to fuck a gun.”
“Sure, I’ve wanted to fuck a gun ever since I was old enough to fuck,” Cruz admitted, “but believe me, this isn’t about me feeling like, finally, at long last, I can slam my peen-ween into a bang-banger, know what I mean, fam?”
Sen. Cruz began unbuckling his belt. He pulled out a small bottle of KY Warming Liquid personal lubricant and sprayed it inside the barrel of the handgun he was holding. With an audible groan from everyone nearby, Cruz removed his phallus and smooshed it into the gun, grunting as he did so.
“See? See how…completely…harmless…this is,” Cruz asked rhetorically, adding, “I feel as close to Thomas Jefferson and George Washington as I ever have, friends. You really ought to try this.”
Reportedly, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell heard about Cruz’s gun fucking stunt and sent him an urgent communique about it.
“Senator Cruz, it has come to my attention that you have been fucking guns again,” McConnell wrote, “which begs the question…do you think this lump of coal I’m always fucking would mind if I tried a threesome with it and a gun? Do guns get jealous if you blow your feeble load all over the coal instead of them? Write back soon! Stay So Sweet! KIT!”
Senator Cruz has, as of yet, not responded to Leader McConnell’s request for more information. This story will be updated if and when he does.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.