WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced that the United States of America is need of roughly 400 trillion new thoughts and prayers in order to mitigate gun violence.
“You would think the most effective way to limit gun violence would be to find ways to keep guns away from dangerous people who shouldn’t have them,” FBI Junior Lead Supervisor Glenda Halbowitz told reporters this morning during a press conference, “but it’s actually quietly thinking to yourself how sad gun violence is that does the trick. The more you know, eh?”
Halbowitz said that the FBI has been operating under a theory that thoughts and/or prayers, when concentrated in a single area for a long enough time, can have ameliorative effects on a whole host of societal woes. From crime to poverty, climate change, hang nails, scoring the winning basketball shot, getting the phone number of that hot girl at the bar, curing AIDS, and mending rips in the space time continuum that allow nefarious people to steal sports almanacs and create alternate, parallel universes where everything is terrible, the FBI has long believed that simply thinking or praying about these things will get positive results without any other efforts being made. Ms. Halbowitz says that beginning in January, the Trump administration ordered the FBI to do an exhaustive study on thoughts and prayers and what they can or cannot fix.
“Sure, restoring our mental health services probably would have helped us identify the Texas school shooter’s issues more quickly and maybe kept a gun or two out of his possession, even if the Air Force messed up and didn’t follow their protocols,” Halbowitz admitted, “but that all takes effort, work, and thinking about things in a non-linear, totally not simplified way. So platitudes are probably a way better idea at this point.”
The FBI, once they had confirmed that thoughts and prayers will indeed wipe out gun violence in America one day, then set about determining just how many thoughts and prayers are needed to prevent mass shootings.
“The tricky part is that people in that church were thinking and praying as they were gunned down,” Halbowitz said, “so at first we were really worried it would end our study real quick. But it turns out, if you just ignore reality, you can convince yourself of any alternate one you choose. So here we are.”
Using advanced algorithms, the FBI determined that in a country with more guns than it has citizens, the number of thoughts and prayers needed to stem the tide of gun violence would be 17.89 sextillion. Calculations from within the bureau put the nation off by about 400 trillion thoughts and prayers from that mark. Halbowitz says she’s hopeful Americans can summon what it takes within them to get the national thoughts and prayers bank’s reserves as close to that number as possible, but is afraid it might take more mass shootings to get there.
“It seems like a lot of people in this country only think or pray about mass shootings after they happen. But if they thought about them and prayed about them before they happened, maybe they’d get inspired to write their congressman or something,” Halbowitz said, “so maybe it’s best they just wait until the next mass shooting instead. Which, if I’m not mistaken should be right about…now.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”