Data Indicates Brandon Gets Shit Done and Trump Didn’t Do Shit

Newly released data from the National Institute of Looking Into This Sorta Thing doesn’t have much good news for a certain twice-forever impeached president who never won the popular vote and only got one term.

According to a report published this week by the NILITST, President Brandon “gets shit done” while the data also strongly indicates former President Trump “didn’t do shit.” While the institute cautions against too many firm conclusions being drawn from the preliminary data, Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, the NILTST’s chief researcher, went so far as to say it gives “strong credence” to the notion that President Brandon is “someone who accomplishes things,” and former President Trump is a “lifelong fuck-up who only knows how to take credit for others’ hard work and efforts.”

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“Granted, our sample size isn’t quite large enough to draw hard, firm conclusions of causality or anything like that, but we have a few strong examples of Brandon doing what Trump only promised he could and would,” Dr. Hornaydieux explained.

“Brandon ended the Afghanistan War for Trump. Brandon got the pandemic much closer under control and his vaccine mandates are actually driving up vaccination rates. Now we have the infrastructure deal Biden signed into law after four years of Infrastructure WeekThank you under Trump. The data is pretty persuasive, if you ask me, which you did, because I’m the data guy.”

Reportedly, the new data has enraged former President Trump.

Upon hearing the news of its publication, Trump immediately began an angry email to Dr. Hornaydieux, but ran out of steam and got distracted when he saw that an old clip of The Apprentice was playing on his toilet room TV. Trump sent the email in its draft form to President Biden and asked him to “fill in anything that’s missing,” and then send it to Dr. Hornaydieux as quickly as possible.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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