Taliban Spokesman Says They Weren’t Sure They Wanted to Hang Out With a ‘Religious Kook’ Like Mike Pence Anyway

AFGHANISTAN — A spokesterrorist for the Taliban announced today that his employers are “just fine and dandy” with President Trump calling off planned talked between his administration and the Islamic fundamentalist group.

“Look, at the end of the day, we’d have been stuck in a room with that religious kook Mike Pence anyway,” the Taliban leader said in a tape released to the public today. “Quite frankly, that’s not something we’re all that sure we wanted to do.”

The Taliban concede that it’s “quite rich” of them to call someone else’s fervent devotion to their religion into question. However, they say that what gives them “the creeps” most about Pence is that he doesn’t “own his religious kookery full-on” and is “unwilling to go as far as he should.”

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“Don’t get us wrong! We usually love religious kookery! It’s just that, well, we like being the only theocratic bullies in the room, is all,,” the Taliban said. “While we both want to create a society that is forced to worship our version of God, he does it in such an American way we simply can’t be arsed to deal with him. Plus, that smug smile all the time? Jeez, Mike, try to look like being a religious autocrat isn’t the most fun you’ve ever had! You’ll ruin it for the rest of us!”

Vice President Pence’s office said he was “not bothered at all” by the Taliban’s statement.

“Vice President Pence is, as of right now, practicing his icy, steeled gaze,” Pence’s office said in a statement, “which he will use to vanquish the Taliban. Simply by forcing them to look deep into his eyes, he will win.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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