Taliban Endorses Judge Amy Coney Barrett for Supreme Court Justice

AFGHANISTAN — The Taliban have issued the following statement, in their words “fully and completely endorsing fellow Religious Zealot” Judge Amy Coney Barrett to replace the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the United States Supreme Court. The Taliban statement has only been modified to translate it to English; but its translation is quoted verbatim, below. Judge Barrett has long been a candidate Trump has considered for filling any potential vacancies on the high court, and recently her writings and legal opinions have raised eyebrows because they include references to Barrett, in her own words, “building a Kingdom of God,” which would seem to violate the spirit of the First Amendment’s prohibition of state-sponsored religion.

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The Taliban would like to take this opportunity to officially endorse Judge Amy Coney Barrett to replace Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the United States Supreme Court. We would like to urge President Donald Trump to install Ms. Barrett in Ginsburg’s seat as quickly as can be done. Needless to say, it was quite a shock to us when we learned that one of Trump’s candidates had so very much in common with us.

All we, the Taliban, have ever wanted is to be allowed to create our very own Kingdom of God. In that kingdom, we can write whatever laws we want, and force everyone under our authority to live under the same rules. No matter how allegedly “oppressive” or “tyrannical” those heathens and apostates claim our rules are, we are the ones who have established the Kingdom of God, and therefore we get to set the rules and they have to follow them. Tough noogies.

One doesn’t have to stretch their imagination too far to understand how shocked but pleasantly surprised we all were to find out that in the so-called Land of the Free, there are people just as committed to the notion of establishing a theocratic autocracy as we are! Here we thought your Constitution expressly forbade your government from endorsing one religion over the other, and yet Ms. Barrett could end up being a newly installed High Priestess, and even though we may pray to God differently, the fact is that we see a lot of ourselves in Judge Barrett, and we urge the Senate, under the strongest terms possible, to confirm her right away, if and when President Trump nominates her.

The White House received the Taliban’s endorsement this morning, and Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters that the president is “bigly happy” to have it.

“The president swore a duty to uphold and defend his ego at all costs,” McDitzydick said, “so any time someone, anyone, agrees with him, he sees that as a victory. He’d like to thank the Taliban for their kind and warm words about the candidacy of Judge Barrett, and we’ll see you all later in the week for the official announcement.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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