Surgeon General Recommends Shitting on Ted Cruz Twice Daily

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The acting Surgeon General of the United States has issued a new set of guidelines for the continued health and well-being of the American people. While most of Rear Admiral Susan Orsega’s health guidelines won’t come as much of a surprise to people — such as suggestions of finding ways to get exercise even in the midst of a pandemic — there is something she suggested that may raise some eyebrows.

“Recent studies seem to show that while it’s not a panacea, and it won’t actually cure any disease that currently ails you,” Orsega wrote in a brief statement ahead of the publication of her guidelines, “if you take time out, twice a day, to shit all over Senator Ted Cruz, you will feel better. Not cured. Not ‘healthier,’ per se. Undeniably better, though.”

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Later in the afternoon, Orsega released a second statement, clarifying that she was not suggesting that people “literally defecate on Senator Cruz,” though she believes “there probably isn’t much downside if someone were to do just that.”

“Rather, when I say shitting on Ted Cruz is good for your health, I mean it in a metaphorical sense,” Orsega explained. “Sure, you might feel bad about mocking him, but if this man won’t stand up for his own wife when somone calls her ugly, don’t you think in some way he probably likes being abused? Plus, and I cannot reiterate this any more clearly: fuck him. Forever and always fuck him.”

Around the Hill, many people agreed with acting Surgeon General Orsega.

“Yeah, I’ve found that shitting on Ted is a good thing,” an anonymous capitol custodian told us. “We all do it behind his back. As soon as he leaves a room, we’re ripping into his weird mullet, his booger eating, you name it.”

Even some of his Republican colleagues enjoy shitting on Cruz.

“That’s one of our favorite pastimes,” Sen. Mitt Romney told us. “Ted says something stupid, or does something incredibly lame like a Cancun vacation while his constituents are literally freezing to death, and we all take turns taking massive dumps on him. It’s fun, and quite frankly it’s fun for the whole family, my friend.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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