HELL — Satan “Billy” Beelzebub does not want recently deceased radio host Rush Limbaugh “anywhere within 500 eternal yards” of Hell, and he made his feelings quite well known, directly to Limbaugh’s face.
“What makes you think I want you, just because Larry didn’t either,” Satan addressed Limbaugh while referencing Larry “God” Schumway’s decision to also forbid the conservative firebrand from entering the Kingdom of Heaven. “You probably didn’t realize this when you were living your mortal life, and maybe you did, you’re that much a piece of shit, after all, but it’s possible to be such a disgusting stain on existence that you don’t belong in Heaven, Hell, or literally anywhere in between.”
Satan flat-out told Limbaugh his “kind” aren’t welcome in Hell. Limbaugh would “only bring the entire vibe down,” Satan claimed. Even in Hell, most people aren’t “racist, homophobic, misognyst fuckfaces” and Limbaugh would “stick out like a man who looks like a thumb” there.
“We have some of the coolest people to ever live in here. Artists. Poets. Good people, really. But you’re not allowed in. What does that say about you? I’ll tell you what it says about you, Rush,” Satan pummelled the radio host, “it says that you can go join your pals Ailes and Scalia, wherever they fucked off to. Go on, fuck off out of here!”
It’s unclear, exactly, where Limbaugh’s immortal soul will end up if Heaven and Hell are both closed off as options. Satan made it abundantly clear he “doesn’t give two fucks” where Limbaugh’s soul departs to. He just doesn’t want Rush hanging around Hell.
“You do not want to see what happens when you piss Mother Teresa off. She’ll fuck your shit right up, homey,” Satan said, flipping off Limbaugh as he closed the Gates of Hell. “Get outta here! Go on’ now, get!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.