United Airlines Ending Its Frequent Fuckface Miles Program

United Airlines has announced that after careful consideration of the events of the past 48 hours they will be ending their Frequent Fuckface Miles program, effective immediately. The Frequent Fuckface Miles rewards system is a favorite among misanthropic politicians and celebrities looking to take a flight and at the same time signal to sentient species everywhere what a pluperfect fuckface they are. However, as has been the case for Simpson’s quotes and pornography, Senator Ted Cruz has, according to United, “ruined it for everyone.”

“We probably should have known that at some point Ted Cruz would ruin this, just as he ruins everything eventually,” Susan Carolsby, United’s Deputy Chief Media Officer, told reporters in a conference call this morning. “We just didn’t know when he’d ruin the Frequent Fuckface Miles rewards program. Then, he had to go and take a Mexican vacation while the people in his state that pay his salary were literally freezing and without power. He forced our hand, because we can’t have people abusing the program like that, even if they’re literally the worst fuckface in a sea of fuckfaces.”

MORE: Pat Robertson: God Will Warm Texas If He Stops Watching “Magic Mike” for Research Purposes Twelve Times a Week

Any and all Frequent Fuckface Miles held will be null and void, Carolsby announced. United will offer no compensation for the lost miles. Ms. Carolsby expects that some of the fuckfaces impacted by this decision will “scream like stuck pigs,” but that they should check the terms and conditions of the program before they start howling too loudly.

“The bottom line is that our terms and conditions are quite clear that they can be altered or changed at anytime,” Carolsby explained. “But beyond that, these are fuckfaces. We think we can handle a PR crisis if a bunch of fuckfaces start complaining. It’s hard for fuckfaces to win in the court of public opinion.”

Sen. Cruz was too busy trying to to look like he was working on behalf of Texas to comment on this story.

MORE: Satan Tells Limbaugh to ‘Fuck Off Out Of Here’


Like what you read? Consider signing up for my free newsletter, becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, or signing up for my Patreon.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This