If you are a transgender person, a new study from the National Institute of Looking Into Shit might interest you. According to the NILIS’ chief resident researcher, Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, far right commentator Ben Shapiro very likely thinks about your own genitals more than you do.
“The NILIS prides itself on getting to the bottom of some of the most difficult questions that humanity faces,” Dr. Hornaydieux said while describing the new study to reporters. “This, however, was not that difficult a study for us to perform. However, when duty calls, we answer it. So even though we sort of felt like we knew where the data might lead us, we still did our jobs with professionalism and investigated whether Ben Shapiro thinks about transgender people’s genitals more than actual transgender people do.”
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The data presented and analyzed by Hornaydieux and his staff indicates that at any given time of the day, Shapiro is probably thinking, at least tangentially, about transgender genitalia.
“The math really does point in that direction pretty much right away. It’s not hard to compare the number of times that Shapiro makes fun or brings up the genitals of people who are transgender to the number of times the average trans person talks about their own junk,” Dr. Hornaydieux explained. “I think if you told Ben Shapiro his life depended on him not making a comment about a trans person’s genitals for a whole week, he’d be dead by Sunday at noon. If it’s a day that ends in Y, Ben is thinking many thoughts about trans people’s crotch regions.”
Hornaydieux suggested that if Shapiro wants to change the conclusions of the next study the NILIS does on this issue, he can simply “start telling different jokes.”
“Different, I said, not better, note. I would never expect Ben to write a better joke, because clearly he’s already offering us all his A+ material,” Hornaydieux thought out loud. “Maybe hire someone to write a joke for him that can think outside the box and make something other than a glorified identify as an attack helicopter joke. Or maybe he can fuck off and jump into traffic. Both would help repair his reputation as a transphobic weasel dick.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.