FUCKFACE RIVER, IDAHO — If a mainstream news outlet says something, 43 year old Jesse Keeley does not believe it, and in fact will, in his own words, “usually assume the total opposite is true.”
“That’s why back in the nineties I only banged chicks raw dog style. The lamestream press kept going on and on about AIDS and HIV, so I just assumed it was a hoax. Turns out, I was right,” Keeley said during the recording of a recent episode of his podcast, “because out of all the STDs I got, HIV or AIDS was never one of them. So, checkmate, libtards!”
Keeley applies the same logic, which he calls “air solid and rock tight,” to everything, he said. If a media outlet other than Fox News, OAN, Newsmax, Breitbart, or Stormfront report it, he just does not believe it.
“So let me get this straight — I’m supposed to believe that the Earth is round just because MSDNC broadcasts a so-called satellite image of the planet from space,” Keeley asked rhetorically. “Get bent. The media lies, like, all the time to us. That’s why I joined the Flat Earthers group on Facebook, to own the libs.”
Perhaps nothing makes Jesse’s distrust of the media inflame like the 2020 election. Despite more than five dozen failed attempts in court to prove any election fraud on the magnitude it would take to overturn the certified results, Keeley says he believes the election was stolen from former President Donald Trump. He is angered and outraged that people keep calling Trump’s insistence that he actually won “The Big Lie.”
“If you ask me, the big lie is that the Constitution says you’re supposed to count every vote! Talk about a clever way of cheating! Just cast the votes and count them,” Keeley said with disdain. “Next they’ll tell us if we wanna hold office, we have to win more votes and not just insurrect our way to victory. Well, sorry media, but I don’t believe a damn thing you say, so I will go right on believing that Don Trump is president literally until the day I die.”
Keeley ended his podcast episode by informing the audience he was going to cross the busiest street in town, on foot, without using a crosswalk, because he said he saw a report on ABC News last week about pedestrian safety.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.