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This week, the fallout from Judge Amy Coney Barrett’s superspreader garden fete continued apace as the Press Secretary, multiple press shop aides, and various other members of the Trump administration announced they too, like the president, had tested positive for COVID-19. All this news came as the country watched President Trump himself announce a positive diagnosis and be hospitalized over the weekend, and even put on supplemental oxygen. Though he may have wanted to downplay the virus earlier this year, it seemed that Trump could not downplay it enough to keep it out of the West Wing.
But among the announcements of White House coronavirus infections, none has affected me quite as personally as that of White House senior policy and racist xenophobia adviser, Stephen Miller. When I found out that Miller too had contracted the disease, I was, to put it mildly, absolutely cocksucking motherfucking devastated…
…on behalf of the coronavirus.
Because nobody, and I mean nobody deserves to be forced into getting that close to Miller. His wife, who also had Covid-19 earlier this year, clearly has no sense of hearing, sight, taste, and likely smell, and that’s all well and good for her. Some people’s passions drive them to become proctologists and they spend all day looking up people’s assholes. I imagine Mrs. Miller’s life is pretty comparable, except she loves an asshole cancer, and a proctologist’s job is to help find and eliminate cancers of the asshole.
We simply must do everything we can to bring this pandemic outbreak to as swift a resolution as we possibly can, for coronavirus’ sake. Granted, President Trump seems to prove that diseases, in general, are okay with Stephen Miller. But I think we can all agree that Trump is a unique disease, and that we simply cannot assume that Covid-19 is as resilient as Trump is, and believe me, I can’t believe I actually implied President Trump has anything resembling resilience in his DNA.
I implore the American people to think and engage their empathy. Yes, this disease has killed more than 205,000 of our fellow citizens. But a lot of that falls on Miller’s boss, and yes, Miller himself, for the way the administration handled the outbreak. These are the tough questions we must ask ourselves, but wouldn’t we rather live with a pandemic outbreak of the coronavirus than a pandemic outbreak of Stephen Miller-ism?
Surely, if there’s anybody who can spur American grit, determination, and ingenuity for a medical treatment breakthrough, it’s Stephen Miller. Yes, we want a vaccine. However, we also want medicines that can help us quickly shed the virus, don’t we? What if we already had a pill that Miller could take, or better yet a flaming hot suppository, and it would rid his body of the coronavirus? Granted, I know that would in theory cure Miller, but it would also rather humanely separate the virus from him, and unlike brown babies at the border, that’s the kind of forced separation that’s good for all parties involved.
In the name of decency and goodness, let us work now, harder than before, to develop not only a vaccine, but other effective treatments for Covid-19. Nobody should have to be that close to Stephen Miller.
Not even the coronavirus.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.