WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has disbanded his first coronavirus task force, but has reconvened a second one with most of the same personnel, with one major change.
“It is my great, bigly pleasure to announce the first coronavirus task force, which of course did extremely well, flattened the curve, accomplished its mission completely, and proved that 2+2= ketchup,” Trump said on the White House lawn as he prepared to leave D.C. on a trip to Ohio, “is no more. However, I have put together an even much more betterer task force, and Dr. Stella Immanuel will lead it, not that cuck anti-Trumper Fauci!”
Dr. Immanuel was thrust into the spotlight when President Trump retweeted a video featuring her. Twitter ended up pulling Trump’s tweet down. In the video, Immanuel makes some astounding, and perhaps unbelievable claims. Twitter and Facebook both made the determination that the video Trump retweeted contained potentially dangerous information because Dr. Immanuel claims that a “cure” for COVID-19 has been found.
“Why the hell wouldn’t I put the woman who figured out the cure to the CHINA VIRUS was the cure that I’ve been pushing on my rubes — sorry — supporters,” Trump asked rhetorically. “I keep telling you guys I only work with the best!”
Beginning next week, the White House Coronavirus and Demon Sperm Task Force will begin holding daily press conferences to update Americans. The goal is to “give good, clean, ammo hoarding American patriots,” Trump announced, “the real news about the CHINA VIRUS.” It’s “extremely important,” Trump argued, for “everyone to know how powerful demonic semen can be” in fighting infectious diseases.
“A lot of people having been coming up to me on my regular walks around town, you know the ones that I always take and that are very common knowledge,” Trump told reporters, “and asking me why their government isn’t making unicorn blood, demon cum, and alien DNA available on the free market to treat the CHINA VIRUS. I always tell them it’s because some medical nerds said some shit about how it would harm more people than help, or they don’t really exist. You know — TOTAL BULLSHIT.”
The original task force started giving Americans daily updates back in February and made household names out of people like Dr. Tony Fauci and Deborah Birx. It wasn’t long before Fauci rose to an even higher level of fame, owing to his affable nature and no-nonsense way of delivering what could be very difficult to hear information to the American public. For a time, it seemed that Trump and Fauci had at least a good working relationship, but as the pandemic has dragged on, and because Fauci didn’t toe the administration’s line in lock-step, he was sidelined.
Now, Trump says the new task force will “do everything the first one did,” but will have Dr. Immanuel’s “vital and important experticity and professionalocity” to draw from.
“I ask you this,” Trump proposed to the reporters, “who in the world has more experience healing people with magical ingredients? Who knows more than Dr. Immanuel the many ways you can use the tears of the Loch Ness monster to fight diseases? She’s the best hope we got, frankly, while I’m your president.”
Earlier, we reported that thanks to a viral video, published first on far-right website Breitbart, Trump supporters have been flooding WalMart pharmacies with calls seeking alien DNA. In the video. Dr. Immanuel claims that sometimes pharmaceutical companies use ingredients like alien DNA and “demon sperm” to make their medicines. The CDC issued a statement yesterday indicating they have yet to conclude their much-anticipated study on the use of medicines made from magical chemicals and other components, but will rush the results to the public as soon as they’re complete and verified.
“Due to a viral video featuring a Dr. Stella Immanuel, our switchboards have been absolutely jammed with calls from the heartland,” Chad Beefington, WalMart’s junior deputy media liaison, told reporters today during a teleconference, “and so we can better handle the massive of influx of calls, we’ve decided to add a specific option to our automated phone menu for people who are only calling to get a supply of alien of DNA.” (PGC)
Last week, Dr. Fauci warned that if more Americans don’t start wearing facial coverings and re-institute self isolation and quarantine practices, things could get much worse for America is it battles the pandemic. So far, more than 150,000 Americans have died as a result of complications from the novel coronavirus.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.