BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS — WalMart has announced in a press release today that they are introducing new menu options to their automated pharmacy lines in order to “better handle the massive influx of calls” they’ve received from patients looking to get their hands on alien DNA.
“Due to a viral video featuring a Dr. Stella Immanuel, our switchboards have been absolutely jammed with calls from the heartland,” Chad Beefington, WalMart’s junior deputy media liaison, told reporters today during a teleconference, “and so we can better handle the massive of influx of calls, we’ve decided to add a specific option to our automated phone menu for people who are only calling to get a supply of alien of DNA.”
Yesterday, the Internet was abuzz thanks to a video posted to an article published on Breitbart, the publication that has started outselling the KKK’s Stormfront newsletters. The article featured Dr. Immanuel claiming that she’s prescribed the drug hydroxychloroquine to patients for COVID-19, and has even taken it herself as preventative measure. The FDA continues to advise people not to take the drug unless prescribed by a doctor, and for doctors to only give it to patients who are participating in a highly monitored medical study.
President Trump and his allies have been touting the drug for months, despite its efficacy being largely called into question. It’s no secret on the Hill that the president is being judged by the country for his sluggish and then erratic response to the novel coronavirus. Sources close to the White House indicate that Trump is unnerved that using a racial slur when referring to it as “the China Virus” hasn’t ended the outbreak in and of itself.
“Dr. Immanuel’s revelation that Big Pharma, Inc. uses alien DNA to create its vaccines and medicines certainly took all of us by surprise,” Beefington said. “They made us sign NDAs up the wazoo that specifically forbade us from telling people about the alien DNA. But in times like these, all bets are off. So now we’re getting six hundred calls a minute looking for alien DNA, and we needed a way to handle all that inbound call traffic.”
It’s unclear at this time just how much alien DNA WalMart’s pharmacies have on hand, and Mr. Beefington wasn’t authorized to divulge that information, he said.
“The Trump administration has asked that we not get into specifics with the Enemies of the People about our alien DNA stockpiles,” Beefington said, “but suffice to say it’s not unlimited. So if you or your loved one want to get your hands on some alien DNA and you don’t have a spaceship capable of intergalactic travel, then you’re going to want to get on the phone with us right away and place your order.”
Beefington assured the public that while WalMart’s alien DNA inventories might be hit hard in the next few days, there are plenty of other “White House approved” COVID-19 remedies you can get from them.
“Just a reminder, though, everyone — we do have plenty of reserve inventories of Lysol wipes, self-tanning bed kits,” Beefington said, “and demon sperm. Bet you didn’t know we sold demon sperm, did you? Well, we do, and it’s usually found at your local WalMart in the canned goods aisle. So stock up now!”
More than 150,000 Americans have died from COVID-19 complications thus far.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.