WASHINGTON, D.C. — On a narrow, nearly party line vote, the U.S. Senate voted to officially lower the law of America so that it rests just below President Donald Trump.
“We’re sick and tired of people in the media and elsewhere attacking us, and reminding us that the president’s not above the law,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Taint) told reporters this evening. “As if him not being above the law means we should hold him accountable. But, being the clever people we are, we figured we could simply drop the law a few dozen feet so it technically comes to rest just below Trump. Now, when someone says no one is above the law to us, we can rightfully remind them that the law is beneath Trump.”
Senator Marco Rubio (R-Trump’s Anus) quoted a Bible verse on Twitter and then posted a lengthy note explaining his vote.
“Having principles is hard. For years, I railed on President Barack Obama because I thought he was acting like a king, in fact like he was above the law,” Rubio wrote, “and so I found it very difficult at first to not criticize our Dear President for his much more brazen, much more repetitive and incessant attempts to position himself outside the boundaries of legality and accountability. A vote to lower the law is a vote to put my worried conscience to rest, and that’s something I absolutely had to do.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) praised the senators who voted to lower the law beneath Trump. Taking a break from hip thrusting into a lump of coal with a bottle of Kentucky bourbon in one hand, and a burning pocket Constitution in the other, McConnell told the media “it’s high time this country accepted the monarchy of the Trumps.” McConnell reminded Americans that “Barack Obama was president once.”
“And as a reaction to a black man daring to be president, and for the Democrats no less, we elected a shameless, tyrannical, spoiled little cry baby rich bitch who has never been held to account for any of his lifetime of fuck-ups,” McConnell explained. “That means we have a duty to protect the Constitution by shredding it. Or, burning it. Or you know, eating it and shitting it out and then pissing the fire out, and using the ashes to write a new Constitution with. We’ll figure all that out later.”
Senator Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Urethra) gave his take on the situation as he came out of a D.C. area 7/11.
“Friends, I must tell you, that equal treatment under the law, in fact this very notion that no one is above the law is just liberal poppycock,” Cruz said, “In order to have a truly equal republic, some of us simply must be above the law. Some of us simply must have power that none of you have. And don’t act like you don’t love it, on some level. Like you don’t enjoy being bossed and bullied around by a reality TV host. I know I love it. I have to love it. Because if I say I don’t love it, he’ll call me Lyin’ Ted and threaten to three-way my wife with Ivanka. So…what was I saying? Oh, right, this is all Barack Obama’s fault.”
Mike Braun, a Republican Senator from Indiana, said he has a “slight disagreement” with Cruz’s assessment, however.
“I think it’s also Hillary Clinton’s fault for being alive and a woman,” Braun said emphatically. “Of course Blacky McDemocratface deserves unending insults and blame. But I hope we never forget the damage Hillary did by, you know, daring to oppose Trump in the first place. She said some really mean things about him being the puppet of autocrats, and having a weak ego and how he’s easily baited into fights. How dare she tell the truth about him? That sounds like collusion to me, or some other such thing I can’t think of right now.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.