Biological researchers and conservationists at the World Wildlife Foundation are concerned about the rapid population decline of vertebrate Republicans in the wild, and fear the species is headed toward “spectacular extinction,” according to a new report released this week. Citing data gathered over the last three years, the WWF says they’ve seen a “precipitous drop” in the number of Republicans with a spine out in the wild. They note, however, that some vertebrate Republicans seem to have been brought into captivity, but that those specimen almost immediately begin showing signs of losing their backbones, or worse yet, dying.
“Of course the most famous vertebrate Republican of the last twenty years was the McCain,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the WWF told reporters at a press conference announcing the results of the study. “Not everyone could or would agree with the McCain on everything, but he certainly showed a willingness to stand up for what he felt was right, and died just after putting that strong spine of his display in dramatic fashion.”
Then there’s the case of the Graham, the Cruz, and the Rubio. All of them displayed what appeared to be at least semi-vertebrate traits during as late as the spring of 2016. However, it wasn’t long after January of 2017 that they increasingly weakened. Now, Hornaydieux says, the captive Republicans are “mostly just puddles of congealed fat and corporate campaign donations.”
“All three of them — the Rubio, the Cruz, and the Graham — at varying times throughout 2015 and 2016 showed signs that their spinal columns may be intact,” Hornaydieux explained, “but these days, you can tell their spines have been completely removed. This is why the Cruz can so easily put his own phallus in his mouth whenever there’s a camera pointed at him.”
Biologists were forced to reclassify the Amash as a vertebrate independent last year. The Amash, like the McCain may not have been the most well-liked or respected vertebrate among some, but the fact that he left his pack, Hornaydieux said, rather than be slaughtered like the rest of his invertebrate Republican packmates, shows that his spinal fluid is still present enough to be classified as a vertebrate animal. Dr. Hornaydieux notes that some vertebrate animals could even show signs of not having spines in certain situations.
“Now, wave some campaign cash from a corporate donor, or a military contractor in front of the Amash, and his spine may melt temporarily,” Dr. Hornaydieux said, “but for the most part, the Amash has shown some pretty remarkable signs of his spine remaining fully intact for the last six or seven months, at least.
Hornaydieux said that the WWF just last night collected even more evidence that the vertebrate Republican is dying off. The Alexander, who some had felt was “old school” enough to possibly have some of the same vertebrate DNA as the McCain had, disappointed researchers and revealed that he was no longer vertebrate. With a series of tweets, the Alexander exposed just how dire the situation is, and how much the population of vertebrate Republicans has dwindled over the last three years. The Alexander revealed last night that while he is strong enough to see some situations clearly, and even identify when things are wrong, he’s unwilling and unable to do the right thing to rectify them, thereby rendering any spinal material in his body useless.
It was inappropriate for the president to ask a foreign leader to investigate his political opponent and to withhold United States aid to encourage that investigation. 5/15
— Sen. Lamar Alexander (@SenAlexander) January 31, 2020
Hornaydieux announced that the next few days will be “critical” in determining whether Washington, D.C. is home to any vertebrate Republicans whatsoever.
“We’re watching the Romney, the Murkowski, and the Collins extremely closely. They still have a chance show us all they have spines,” Hornaydieux said. “I would not say our hopes are running very high, though. Who knows, maybe some other Republican will shock us all and show they have a spine, or at least know how to still pretend they do, but at this point, I wouldn’t even want to calculate the odds on that happening.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.