THE HIGH THRONE OF NEPOTISTIC PALACE, UNICORN LAND — Princess Ivanka scolded the American media more directly today after she tweeted her thoughts on a video now going viral in right-wing circles. The video depicts CNN anchor Don Lemon and two guests — one who belongs to the same political party as Princess Ivanka’s Daddy, King Archduke God Emperor President Donald Trump — mocking loyal subjects of the king. In her tweet, Princess Ivanka uses the phrase “Real Elites” to describe Lemon, and presumably other members of the media who criticize or mock King Trump or his subjects.
You consistently make fun of half the country and then complain that it is divided. The arrogance, mocking accents and smug ridicule of this nation’s ‘Real Elites’ is disgusting. https://t.co/p3RQzymx4s
Coming out of the hair salon, Princess Ivanka was spotted by pleb reporters, and deigned to answer some of their questions about her remarks on elitists and elitism.
“Hold on, let me call my assistant to have them put my Gucci bag in my BMW, it’s just around the corner,” Princess Ivanka began. “I think the problem I have with those elites, and I was telling this to my butler’s butler’s butler the other night, is how much it hurts King Daddy President’s feelings when they use his own words against him. When they accurately quote him, and then point out to everyone when he lies or cheats, you know? It’s just so rude and elitist of them.”
Princess Ivanka divulged that sometimes negative press is so harmful to her father’s feelings, that he winds up locking himself in the bathroom with a bucket of KFC and a case of Diet Coke.
“And he just cries and cries on that big gold toilet of his,” Princess Ivanka said. “How is a daughterlover supposed to stomach that? For starters, I got my first tummy tuck from King Daddy for my sweet sixteen. So I could keep myself white, right, and tight, he said. So I can’t really stomach much more than a tablespoon of something at a time. But seriously, I ask you this, why are the media elite so mean to my daddy? It makes me just wanna scream and stamp my feet until I get what I want!”
Princess Ivanka pulled a gold leaf handkerchief from her couture jacket she was wearing over her designer dress, paid for by the American taxpayers, and dried tears of her own.
“You’re just all so smug. I was telling my driver that this morning, how smug you are,” Ivanka said, “and he just nodded his head, which I think is working class slob for agreeing with me. The other night I was speaking on the phone with my brother Donald Jr while he flew in a private jet out to some hunting reserve that tranquilizes the animals he hunts down with the semi automatic rifles he pays for with the job King Daddy gave him, and he totally agreed with me — you smug elites are gross. Then he hung up and ate caviar out of a bowl made from the crushed up bones of unicorns, which we super-wealthy people know actually do exist.”
Appearing to want to end the impromptu presser, Princess Ivanka snapped her fingers. The sound of a loud crack was heard. Soon, a billow of smoke and rubles erupted all around her. By the time the smoke had cleared, Princess Ivanka was nowhere to be found.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.