To ‘Secure Elections,’ Mississippi Republicans Want to Outlaw the 13th and 14th Amendments

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI — Two states to the east, in Georgia, Republicans have passed a sweeping spate of voter restrictions, all in attempt to reverse the trends seen in the 2020 election season, and now their Mississippian counterparts want to “take it to the next level and take voting back to the last plantation,” according to one GOP State representative.

“We’re going to ban the federal overreach of the 13th and 14th Amendments, which never should have been passed because they forced good, clean, ammo hoarding, melanin-free states to surrender to the dictates of Abraham Lincoln,” State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen said on Sean Hannity’s radio program this morning. “Our friends in Georgia did some good things; I particularly like that they made Christian charity and grace illegal. I mean, not letting their urbans give each other water and food? STROKE OF GENIUS, FAM.”

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Thompaulsen divulged that SB 1469 was his brainchild, and came after he did “at least six or seven minutes of intense Google research” on the subject of voting, and the results of elections in different eras. What he concluded, was that “the more people who got to vote, the more worser it was for conservatives.” In particular, Thompaulsen says the Reconstruction Acts, which outlawed slavery and would ultimately be used to dismantle Jim Crow policies in the South, are the most to blame.

“If you track it like I did, what you find is that starting with the 13th, and 14th Amendments, things really started going downhill for conservatives in America,” Thompaulsen explained. “So we want to abolish them in the State of Mississippi. In my opinion we’re gonna have to address the 19th too, because female franchise has cost conservatives dearly.”

Thompaulsen defended the attempts to strike the 13th and 14th Amendments as his party’s attempts to “secure elections.”

“This is just our way to secure elections, and we will not yield to the tyranny of the Constitution,” Thompaulsen declared. “How can we conservatives be sure that the elections are secure if we don’t like everyone who is voting, and don’t trust that they’re voting the way we require them to vote?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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