Matt Gaetz Mocks Biden For Not Licking a Single Authoritarian Dictator’s Taint Yet

“I bet Sleepy Joe doesn’t even KNOW where Kim Jong-Un’s G-spot is!” – Qongressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL)

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, the Biden administration has had some tense interactions with representatives from Russia and China. President Biden clearly ruffled Russian President Vladimir Putin’s feathers when he agreed that Putin is a “killer” when asked during an interview. Biden’s Secretary of State had a terse and cold exchange with a delegation of the Chinese government.

Never one to miss an opportunity to go on TV and say words out of his mouth hole, Qongressman Matt Gaetz told OAN this morning that Biden’s “off to a terrible start” on the foreign policy front. Gaetz insisted that former President Trump “had a much more gooder approach” to handling foreign countries, and he mocked Biden for not being more like Trump.

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“HI, I’M MATT GAETZ AND YEARS OF NON-STOP, LOUD, DRUNKEN PARTIES HAVE LEFT ME WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO MONITOR AND ADJUST MY SPEAKING VOLUME,” Gaetz told OAN anchor Jack “Cheated on His Pregnant Wife on Bumble” Posobiec. “Jack, this is absolutely crazy. It’s just crazy to me that Sleepy Ko-Keepy Joe Biden is letting these autocrats mistreat him like this. We’ve gone from literally the best president of all time, with the biggest hands ever and a totally normal shaped and sized dong-wanger to this guy, and I don’t know that we’ll ever recover.”

Gaetz paused a moment and took a flask out of his blue hound’s tooth suit jacket. He opened the flask and took a long, hard pull from it. Belching as he farted, Gaetz closed up the flask and continued slurring.

“Youwannaknow why Don Trump was so good at his job? Because he knew how dictators and autocrats should be treated, Jack,” Gaetz insisted belligerently. “He knew, absolutely KNEW, that sometimes you gotta sidle up to their balls and give them a kiss. Or spit-polish their taint. That’s how you show strength, Jack! By putting as much of Vlad’s Putin in your pie hole as it can muster!”

Laughing so hard caused Gaetz to belch and fart simultaneously again.

“Hell, I bet Sleepy Joe doesn’t even KNOW where Kim Jong-Un’s G-spot is! And that cuck wants us to think he’s gonna be able to handle the big calls,” Gaetz asked rhetorically. “Gimme a damn break, Jack!”

Gaetz belched, vomited, farted, sharted, and passed out and Posobiec threw to a commercial.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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