WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new Texas abortion restriction was formally allowed to go into effect after the Supreme Court of the United States declined to block it last night.
One of the more controversial aspects of the law — which bans abortions in the Lonestar State after the sixth week of pregnancy — effectively allows private citizens to sue anyone they think took part in an abortion after that extremely early time limit has expired. Experts note that many women do not even know they are pregnant until weeks later. However, because the Supreme Court did not intercede, in Texas the medical viability of the fetus is no longer the primary determining factor in the legality of an abortion.
One overlooked element of the new law, however, will also go into effect this morning. As of midnight on September 1st, 2021, Matthew Incelius officially became the Texas State Pussy Inspector General. Mr. Incelius will be tasked with, according to the authors of the new law, “inspecting and ensuring that all pussies within Texas state lines” are complying with the regulation. Any reports of “vaginal abnormalities” will be first investigated by Incelius, who is now empowered under state law to demand an on-site inspection of the vulva in question.
“It is with a solemn commitment to forcing every woman to subvert her sexual autonomy and surrender it to the state,” PIG Incelius told reporters this morning, “that I undertake this most important mission. I will not rest until every vagina in this state is tagged, registered, and put under proper, Christian monitoring. Nothing says small government like making government so small I can cram it in your hoo-ha, ladies.”
Gov. Greg Abbott has hailed Incelius as the “right zealot for the right time in history” and said he’ll “lead an inquisition with patriotism, pluck, and commitment that will make all Texans proud.”
“Nothing is more important to a functioning society than ensuring rape victims have to have rape babies. Nothing is more vital to a republic than us keeping tabs on the comings and goings of your goings and cummings,” Abbott said during a ceremony touting thenew law. “Pussy Inspector General Incelius will protect the lives of the undeveloped blastocysts and will make sure that here in Texas, we remain committed to the guiding principle that every drop of semen is worth protecting.”
PIG Incelius will begin inspecting Texan pussies, beginning with Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) and work his way through the state by the end of the month.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.