The American Medical Union of America released a report this week that indicates Anthony Fauci may have even less influence over pro-MAGA Americans than was even considered possible only a few weeks ago. At a press conference Tuesday morning, Dr. Silvia Bilvia reported that the AMUA has documented a 6,000% spike in teenage incest pregnancies in the Bible belt since April.
“When we did the math, and tracked down as many new mother-sisters as possible, we found out that they all had one thing in common,” Bilvia said, “which is that they immediately stopped using condoms with their sexual partners/family members when Dr. Fauci reminded Americans that vaccines save lives, and condoms prevent pregnancies and STDs.”
Bilvia stated that this is the largest such increase in the number of incestuous pregnancy in the Bible Belt ever recorded.
“We’ve seen big spikes in the past. Such as when President Trump was elected,” Bilvia reported. “That really put America’s cousin-fuckers and sister-bangers in a really great mood for four straight years. But once Fauci reminded everyone that condoms are good to use to prevent STDs and pregnancies, apparently they all ripped theirs off and started raw-dogging each other.”
Bilvia fears that if Fauci continues to give “sound, solid, medical advice” it could have disastrous consequences in the region.
“Jesus Christ almighty, imagine if he’d reminded those rednecks to remember to inhale and exhale,” Dr. Bilvia wondered aloud. “How many asphyxiated morons would be piled up in Bass Pro Shop and Chick-Fil-A parking lots the next day?”
On Capitol Hill, freshman Congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene whinnied her extreme pleasure at the news.
“First of off, as a pro-life Republican who wants to murder libtards, I have to say it’s great hearing about the impending baby boom,” Greene said during an appearance on Steve Bannon’s podcast “Sounds like a great way to make sure the south really does rise again!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.