WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the coroner in charge of overseeing hopeful domestic terrorist Ashli Babbitt’s autopsy revealed new information and reported a new, updated cause of death.
“After carefully looking back over the previous examinations, and conducting one more myself,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux announced today, “that Ashli Bedford Forest Babbitt died of the most acute case of fuckedaroundandfoundoutitis that I have seen in my thirty-plus years of conducting autopsies. The results are extremely conclusive on their own, but taken in concert with the video of footage of the moment Babbitt took a hot load to the chest, they are airtight.”
Throughout history, Dr. Hornaydieux explained, fuckedaroundandfoundoutitis has claimed the lives of millions.
“Every time someone ignores the FDA, doesn’t get vaccinated, and dies of COVID? Well, that’s fuckedaroundandfoundoutitis rearing its ugly head,” Hornaydieux said. “The history of humankind is littered with people dying of fuckedaroundandfoundoutitis. Stacking and climbing milk crates? Well that’s just begging to catch a scorching case of fuckedaroundandfoundoutitis. The same holds true for taking heartworm pills for hoses to fight off COVID.”
Though there is no known cure for fuckedaroundandfoundoutitis, Hornaydieux insists it’s one of the most preventable ways to die he’s encountered.
“The simple truth is this: as long as there’s been electricity, some folks have put their wet fingers in the sockets,” Hornaydieux expounded. “As long as there have seat belts, there have been people ejected from moving cars because they refused to wear one, since they infringe on liberties or freedoms or whatever. Fuckedaroundandfoundoutitis is innate to our human biology, and I don’t see it claiming fewer lives any time soon. Certainly not in MAGA country at any rate.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.