Five Humans and Two Billionaires Hold Two Hour Shouting Match

SOUTH CAROLINA — Last night, five human beings and two billionaires held a two-hour long shouting match. The seven entities on the stage each took turn not taking turns and yelling over each other. Sometimes the old men would shout over the two women. Sometimes the lone man born after the Vietnam War ended would try to interject his talking points while one of the old men was shouting, and in general each one did their level best to make sure that they were heard, while simultaneously drowning out everyone else who was making sure they were heard while simultaneously drowning everyone out.

“I, um, didn’t really learn anything about anyone in particular last night,” registered voter Scott Scottsdale told us when we asked for his impressions of the events that unfolded last night. “At least, I didn’t learn anything new. The two billionaires yelled. The politicians yelled. All of them frantically waved their hands in the air every time someone else opened their mouth, and Joe Biden got passive aggressive a lot.”

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Another voter, Sharon McMasters, told us that she was “completely and totally unaware” that there were moderators on hand when we asked her how she’d rate their performance last night.

“Wait, you mean to tell me there were people there whose job it was to get those people to shut the fuck long enough so that everyone watching could at least at a minimum understand the words that were being spoken,” Sharon asked incredulously. “I was completely and totally unaware of that fact. I mean, it sounds like a lie. Are you sure you’re not lying to me right now? Are you really telling me there were moderators there? Because, um, literally no one was moderated.”

At several points during the shouting match, cheers or boos erupted from within the audience. Though this event turned into a garden variety American political clusterfuck, ostensibly that kind of behavior is generally frowned upon during them. However, given that no one was actually doing much debating, most voters we talked to shrugged the boos and cheers off.

“Whatever, from what I hear, a lot of the people in the seats last night were folks who paid at least fifteen hundred bucks to be there,” Jan Williams told us. “Of course they’re gonna be cheesed off hearing people talk about policies that will help millions of people but might end up costing those folks a few extra pennies on their dollar. It’s only natural to boo humanitarian empathy when it means you might lose less than a nickel on every dollar you make over your ten millionth dollar that year.”

In terms of picking winners and losers from last night’s affair, almost everyone we spoke to couldn’t name a real winner, but most picked the same loser, and it was multiple people.

“Oh, I have no idea who won that shouting match. They all shouted over each other, so is that how you figure out who won,” voter Mitch Mitchell told us. “I do know who lost though — anyone trying to use last night as a way to figure out who to vote for. Oh, and the people who have to transcribe stuff for the closed caption system. Holy shit, how could they follow anything? I wouldn’t want that job, that’s for sure.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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