Trump Administration Tells Americans Coronavirus Would Have Been Stopped By Trump’s Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump’s presidential administration told reporters today that while they don’t think American citizens “should panic any time soon” about a potential coronavirus outbreak, that they should still “give consideration” to how much safer they’d be from it if the president had gotten the funding for his border wall he’s requested numerous times.

“Look, maybe it’s not politically correct in this day and age to say,” White House Chief Bullshit Artist Kellyanne Conway told the media today as she arrived for work, “but Mexico happens to be the number one exporter of Corona. You’ve seen their commercials. People on a beach, sipping their Coronas, and enjoying themselves? Well, maybe all that was a lie, a ruse, a Mexican ploy to get the coronavirus into our country. And sure, maybe that’s a conspiracy theory I literally just made up, but I have to ask, why aren’t you guys writing your little stories with your little laptops about that? Huh?”

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Conway batted away concerns that she was simply promulgating a racist trope and conflating a serious viral outbreak with a beer company.

“First of off? How dare you? How dare you speak to me that way? Rude,” Conway said. “And that should really end this conversation, but I will say this, in my own defense. I know I’m not racist. Because I’m not saying that all Mexican beers have the coronavirus, okay?”

Eventually, reporters were able to get Conway to admit that the coronavirus doesn’t have anything to do with any beers whatsoever. She still insisted, however, that Trump’s wall would have kept Americans safer from it. She argued that Trump’s wall was “designed to keep things out we didn’t want in.”

“And that’s mainly brown people, sure,” Conway admitted, “but it’s also deadly diseases. We all know that the only real dangers facing this country come from our southern border. Sure, this current outbreak threatening the world came from Asia, but also, shouldn’t we still be looking askance at Mexico and Mexicans, just to be on the safe side? The whole reason we’ve asked for this wall was to protect our great nation. It only goes to reason that somehow, some way, our magical force field wall would have kept the coronavirus out, just as well as it will, one day, keep as many illegal Mexicans and Mexican-ish people out as we want to keep out.”

Rep. Steve King (Racist-Iowa) held a press conference specifically to praise Conway and the White House for their “honest, upfront racism.”

“It’s just refreshing to hear someone from the president’s team be real with the American people,” King said.

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Rectum) sidestepped the racial undertones of Conways words. Instead, he defended the Trump administration bringing the wall into the discussion on “national security grounds.” He also said it “makes sense from a sycophancy standpoint” as well.

“Look, as one of Trump’s most loyal ass kissers, let me just say, yes, of course the border wall would have kept the coronavirus from even coming in here,” Graham said, “because as Ms. Conway said, the wall was designed to protect Americans, keep them safe, and to keep things we don’t want in, out. That logic might not hold up to scrutiny but that’s sort of the point of me coming out here, waving my hands around, and distracting y’all. So now that I’ve done that, I must go see if our Dear President has had his feelings hurt in the last half hour, and who I need to bully if so.”

Reached for comment, the coronavirus’ spokesperson mostly just sciffed at the notion that a wall would stop their client.

“Even the coronavirus knows how ladders and tunnels work and airplanes work,” the coronavirus’ PR firm said in a statement.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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