GOLD VALLEY, UTAH — Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg has been dumping millions of dollars of his own fortune into his campaign. The billionaire media mogul and former Mayor of New York City has spent on traditional political advertising, and has even begun offering people thousands of dollars a month to write positive posts about him on their personal social media accounts. However, all that money spent doesn’t seem to have gotten him much a leg up on the rest of the Democratic field, and his first primetime debate performance was lackluster, to put it kindly.
Bloomberg is clearly trying to appeal to voters looking for a more moderate candidate than either frontrunner Bernie Sanders of Vermont or Liz Warren of Massachusetts. Both of those senators seem to be duking it out for the party’s progressive wing. Sanders, in fact, is surging ahead of the pack in recent polling. Mr. Bloomberg wants to catch up, but his past political and business lives are giving his campaign fits. At the debate this week, Warren hammered Bloomberg for his record with women in particular. He’s been accused by a handful of women who have worked with him of sexual discrimination and harassment.
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At a campaign stop in Utah this morning, Bloomberg tried to repair some of the damage Warren did to him, and addressed the subject of his treatment of women at companies he owns, head-on.
“So, a lot of folks have been really up my backside about how I treat the ladies at my firms,” Bloomberg told a patron of a local gas station where his campaign stopped to fuel up on their way to a rally, “and I think it’s a lot of silliness. Everyone who knows me knows that I respect the dames. I respect the living hell outta them, even the dumpy and frumpy looking ones. I even treat the lesbos good”
The man Bloomberg was talking to finished pumping his gas, got in his car and drove off, but not before Bloomberg could stuff a hundred dollar bill into the man’s pocket with a wink.
“Plenty more where that came from, bub,” Bloomberg said as the man got in his car, “and don’t forget to tell everyone who gave you that hundred bucks.”
At the rally, Bloomberg continued to try to make inroads with female voters.
“I just have to say something in my own defense, and I hope you’ll indulge me. To make sure you’ll indulge me, here’s fifty bucks, for each of you,” Bloomberg began, firing fifty dollar bills into the crowd of a few dozen people with an air cannon. “That should tide you over and help you pay attention to the words I’m using. Anyway, I am a good boss to the bitches. I really am. I didn’t discriminate just because they had titties. In fact, I barely even noticed their titties, whether they were big, small, whatever. And I very, very rarely commented on their cabooses.”
The crowd was too busy counting their money to take much notice of Bloomberg.
“But it goes beyond that. I treated them fairly in terms of pay, which is most important,” Bloomberg insisted. “I paid broads like they were as good at their jobs as men. Is that not something? Does that not prove how enlightened I am about the dames? Because I think it does, and just to make sure you do, too, here’s another hundred bucks, on me. No strings attached. Just, you know, tell everyone how great I am, or whatever. No big whoop.”
The air cannon started shooting hundred dollar bills into the air this time. A smiling Bloomberg watched as everyone scooped up a few hundred dollars for themselves. As the bills fell to the ground and were picked up, Bloomberg thanked his audience for their time, and wrapped the rally up.
“So, remember, Mikey Blomberg is a man of the people, and loves the ladies,” Bloomberg said. “God bless you all! God bless America! God bless my accountants! Bloomberg, out!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.