WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Jim Jordan has a very, very, very, very small dick.
Jordan’s dick is so small that Former President Donald Trump’s dick looks like a Mack truck compared to Jordan’s phallus. Jim Jordan’s penis is so small that his own House Republican caucus wants to invade and stage a coup on it. Jordan’s dick is so miniscule that people learning how to use chopsticks properly practice on it so grains of rice feel enormous by comparison.
And when it’s all said and done, Jordan knows exactly who’s to blame for his tiny, tiny, tiny cock.
“Cancel culture! I’m telling you Maria,” Jordan recently told Fox News propagandist Maria Fartinromo, “it’s this out of control, left-wing mob and their cancel culture that turned my dinkus into such a microscopic affair, and I’ve just about had it with them!”
It’s not just cancel culture that shrunk his dong, Jordan insisted.
“It’s not even just cancel culture that’s to blame for my extremely tiny penis,” Jordan exclaimed. “It’s Antifa! That’s right, George Soros’ Antifa are pushing my dick down on the daily! Before they came around, my penis was at least two to three solid inches of manhood. Now? I don’t even measure it anymore.”
In fact, cancel culture hasn’t just decimated Jim Jordan’s dick, it’s wreaked total havok on his life in general.
“Everywhere I go, people make fun of me. They call me a traitor. They say I’m a jacketless fuckwit and sweaty, balding huckster,” Jordan cried, literally cried with tears and everything, “because of CANCEL CULTURE! I’m so mad about it I could just, well, cry I guess, and rub my extremely small dick, of course. Not that it does anything, because cancel culture also made me impotent.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.