Tucker Carlson Adds Two Ks to First Name

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Fox News host Tucker Carlson is no stranger to controversy, to put it lightly. His show isn’t even new to advertiser boycotts. However, in the wake of the frozen food heir’s recent commentary on Black Lives Matter, the fallout seems to be the worst its been in quite some time.

As reported in The Los Angeles Times, Carlson sparked outrage when he not only insulted Black Lives Matter, but also said they weren’t seeking racial equality. Instead, Tucker insisted that BLM protesters are “coming for” white conservative Americans. Carlson’s remarks were widely criticized as racist dog whistles, intended to signal to white nationalists and supremacists that he’s on their side, and stoking their fear of and anger toward people of color.

But the host, a reliably contrarian conservative voice on the network that gets the attention of President Trump, crossed a line with advertisers when he said the movement “may be a lot of things, this moment we’re living through, but it is definitely not about Black lives. Remember that when they come for you, and at this rate, they will.” (LA Times)

Though calls to boycott his show are nothing new, Carlson has already seen six major advertisers break ties with him. T-Mobile’s new CEO even tweeted “bye bye Tucker Carlson.” Disney, the SmileDirectClub, Vari, and Papa John’s have all distanced themselves from Carlson in the last week. While it’s unclear of losing these sponsors will have any impact on his status with Fox News, Mr. Carlson himself appears to be at least a little concerned.

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Today, during an interview on fellow Fox host Laura Ingraham’s radio show, Carlson announced he was making a change to his first name that he hoped would entice “the kinds of companies who want to be associated with what we do at Fox News” to sponsor his show.

“Frau Lolo, let me tell you, as much as I am not afraid of any soyboy beta cucks, you know, because I’m clearly a big tough guy,” Carlson said, “I have staff members on my show that could suffer if I lose too many sponsors. That’s why I decided to hopefully bring back the kinds of companies who want to be associated with what we do at Fox News by adding two more Ks to my first name.”

Carlson divulged that he’s already filed the necessary paperwork to officially change his name to “TucKKKer Carlson.” He says that he hopes to not only attract new sponsors, but to also “stand in solidarity with the “gute kleine Sturmtruppen” who have kept his show on the air all the years with their viewership. New branding for his show will be released over the weekend, Carlson said, and he expects to receive his new driver’s license sometime next week.

“Honestly, I’m pretty excited about this change. It feels like I’m finally taking the hood off,” Carlson said, “and letting my hair down. It’s nice to just be my true, authentic self, in all ways possible.”

Thus far, Carlson says he’s unsure if the strategy is working, but he has “gotten some interest” from new sponsors.

“The Washington Redskins, Breitbart, and Stormfront have all reached out to us,” Carlson said. “So I’m sure we’ll get the ship righted eventually. Besides, maybe the White House can just give us some money since we broadcast their propaganda for them all the time. We’ll see what happens.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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