Romney Had Spine Removed So He Could Suck Trump’s Dick

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Shocking absolutely, positively nobody, Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) announced today that he would support his party’s push to ram a replacement for the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg onto the Supreme Court bench before the election. In 2016, Senate Republicans united to deny then-President Barack Obama his opportunity to do the exact same thing when Justice Antonin Scalia died.

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When Scalia died in 2016, he died in February, with about eight months to go before the election. However, McConnell and the Republicans in the Senate refused to even hold a single hearing for the man Obama nominated to replace Scalia. The argument made by every single Republican senator was that the American people should have a right to choose who chooses the next justice.

Now, four years later, and with the shoe on the other foot, Romney joins a chorus of Republicans calling for whoever Trump nominates to be rushed through the process and onto the bench.

Earlier today, sister publication Alternative Facts, reported that Romney studied the situation closely, and compiled binders full of excuses for his naked partisanship.

“I’ll tell you how I’m able to do it. Partisan cocksocks are people too, my friend,” Romney said confidently. “I’m one of those partisan cocksocks. If that’s illegal, let me know. But as far as I know, it’s completely within my rights to be a blatantly partisan cocksock, and that’s what I intend to do.” (AltFacts)

Romney took several days from Ginsburg’s death to make his announcement. Now, our reporting can confirm that in preparation for his decision, Romney underwent a medical procedure. Sources are confirming that prior to deciding to back Trump’s rushed push to replace Ginsburg, he had an experimental spinal procedure completed.

“Two days ago, Senator Romney went in for a new procedure to remove his entire spine,” one source told us. “This might come as a surprise to people who already thought he was a spineless today. However, Senator Romney has a spine. Or, rather, he had one, but they pulled it out.”

The reason that Romney agreed to have his spine removed was simple, our sources say. It’s what Donald Trump wanted him to do.

“The president asked Romney to have his spine removed so that from any angle he chooses, he can fold Mitt like a cheap suit and ram his dick down Mitt’s throat,” our source said. “It’s really just as simple as that.”

We asked why Romney didn’t just have a rib removed.

“Mitt thought about that. But Trump insisted he needed to have the entire spine taken out,” our source explained. “And if there’s anything that Mitt likes doing, it’s pleasing people in power. So, out the spine went, and into the mouth Trump’s dong was inserted.”

This is a developing story.

UPDATE: Mitch McConnell Still a Certifiably Racist, Wet-Eyed, Wattle-Necked Cuntsicle

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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