Robert Mueller Also Subpoenas Trump’s Accounts With Douche Bank

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the world, and perhaps President Donald Trump, awoke to some rather surprising news. Deutsche Bank announced that they were served with a subpoena from FBI Special Counselor, seeking financial records for accounts in Trump’s and his family’s names. Mr. Trump has previously said that Mr. Mueller attempting to investigate his finances was something he would not tolerate, however as of the time of publication, the president’s Twitter fingers have been still and quiet.

However, if the news of the first subpoena didn’t elicit a response from Trump, news that just broke of a second set of subpoenas being served an another bank Trump does business with might do just that.

“This morning, the offices of Douche Bank were also served with subpoenas in relation to documents on the accounts we currently hold with President Donald Trump and his family,” Douche Bank representative Cindy Ciderton told reporters. “We will of course comply fully and willingly.”

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In a statement, Mr. Mueller’s office confirmed the second subpoena had been served, and an explanation was offered for it.

“The investigation into Russian meddling in our 2016 presidential election would necessarily entail some financial forensics,” the statement reads. “To that end, all leads must be followed. Deutsche Bank is under investigation for money laundering for Russian oligarchs already, but it wasn’t until we dug deep enough that we found Douche Bank was potentially involved as well.”

President Trump, exiting the White House on the way out for his morning stroll where he picks up doughnuts, nachos, hot link sausages, deep fried Oreos, and a gallon of bacon fat for his morning meal, downplayed the significance of the Deutsche and Douche Bank subpoenas, and instead said Americans should be focusing their outrage elsewhere.

“The subpoenas I’m not worried about. I’ve already been told my subpoena’s bigger than Obama’s was,” Trump said. “Okay. No big whoop. Anyway, why is everyone focusing on me and the money I’ve been getting from Russia for years? Pretty sure Crooked Hillary sold all our uranium Russia right before she murdered Seth Rich and called Ben Gozzi to laugh about it.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
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