Super Wealthy Oil Company CEO: Republican Tax Overhaul Means The Government Finally Works For Him Again

George Willingham IV is the fourth man to run Global Oil, Incorporated. His great-grandfather started the firm and his grandfather took it over from him when he retired. His father took up the mantle when his grandfather was ready to retire himself. Five years ago, George’s father passed away, and Global Oil’s executive board voted unanimously for him, then Executive Vice-President, to become CEO.

Willingham started working for Global Oil in the summers between school years. George attended private schools throughout his primary education years, and matriculated to Yale, where George Willingham I attended college and a wing of a library is named after him. With his Yale years behind him, George started working full time for the oil company in the late 1980’s. Over time, George says, he watched the United States government go from treating people like him and the elder, senior Willingham men “like the near royalty and God-like people the Constitution says [they] are” to treating them like they were “only maybe five hundred times more important than regular Americans instead of a billion percent more.”

“When I came to Global Oil, Ronald Reagan was just leaving office, and our tax code and economy were all set up to help us not only stay rich, but get even richer,” Willingham said. “But then even after the first Bush told us he wouldn’t do it, he raised our taxes! All of a sudden, I felt like my government hated me because it was asking me to pay almost a full dime more per dollar in taxes.”

During the Clinton administration, the budget was balanced, and taxes went up. Willingham says he was near suicidal because his accountant told him he’d only have more money than God when he died, not more money than God’s dad, the bigger God that only rich people actually know about. Willingham says he was briefly buoyed by the George W. Bush administration’s tax cuts, and despite the global economic meltdown of 2008, he and his family “did just fine.”

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“Then in comes Obama, and even though he made the Bush Tax Cuts permanent for the lower classes, my taxes still went up,” George told us. “That was a rough eight years of being catered to, but not out in the open. If I didn’t have billions of dollars parked overseas, I would have been so sad.”

George woke up this morning to find out the Senate had narrowly passed the tax overhaul plan that President Trump has been pushing for since during the campaign. The plan has been projected by the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office to create massive deficits, which George says he used to care about “when Blacky McDemocrat was in office” but he suddenly doesn’t care about anymore.

“Debts? Deficits? I can’t hear you over all this winning,” George said. “I honestly still can’t believe it’s true. I mean, it’s been a long, long eight years of being super-rich but not catered to.”

Willingham admits that even during the Clinton and Obama years, in which he felt his government was “most mean and jerky” to him, in practice he and people like him still pulled the levers of government at their convenience.

“I mean, to be totally honest I donate to ton of PACs that fund lobbying groups that dictate what laws are written and passed, so technically my government always worked on my behalf,” George said, “but this is, like, way less subtle, so that’s better.”

Mr. Willingham says that he doesn’t like Trump’s demeanor, his tweets, or anything that he says on a daily basis. But there is one benefit he sees to the Trump administration being in power.

“It’s just good to know that having more money than God doesn’t mean people assume you don’t need a hand-out anymore,” Willingham said. “Trust me poors, you’ll see how much better this is for all of us when I buy my fifth vacation home.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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