WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican National Committee has taken down the phrase “Supporting American Democracy” from their party’s platform, published on their website. It’s unclear when, exactly, the RNC decided to remove the phrase, but comparisons of the platform page of their site from before Election Day and from just yesterday reveal it has, in fact, been stripped out completely.
In a conference call with reporters, RNC Chairpig Ronna McDaniel explained the development.
“Um, like, first of all, we can, like, do whatever we want with our platform, because this is America, or whatever? But, like, more to the point and stuff,” McDaniel said, her trademark vapidity soaking every syllable, “we did it so that people didn’t confused by our actions when they read it. I mean, we’re, like, totally ignoring the will of the people, or whatever, so we decided to avoid confusion and not even pretend to care about democracy anymore.”
The Trump campaign has launched an all-out salvo against the electoral process since it became clear last week that he had lost his reelection bid to Joe Biden. Confusing things was the fact that in a few key swing states, Trump’s own party had managed to block election workers from tallying mail-in votes ahead of time, creating the false picture that Trump was ahead on the night of election, when the simple fact is that millions of legal, valid votes just simply had not been counted yet.
“Truthfully, we don’t really support democracy anyway. Ever heard one of us talk about democracy,” McDaniel asked. “We turn our noses up at it, as if the slaveholding founders who created this country’s antiquated notion of the unwashed masses voting being a bad thing still holds up in 2020. Have you seen how hard we make it to vote? Of course we fear democracy because the results of democracy mean we lose time and time again.”
McDaniel paused to root around in a nearby trough for some truffels.
“The bottom line here is really quite simple. We believe Donald Trump won,” McDaniel said. “No matter what the vote counts say, he won. If we can make Trickle Down a thing even though it doesn’t work and never will, and if we can still pretend there were WMD in Iraq, we can pretend Donald Trump won and is president literally forever and ever. Just ask any one of us a question about Richard Nixon, and you’ll have all the info you need on our ability to completely delude ourselves.”
Joe Biden will be sworn-in as the 46th President of the United States of America on January 21st, 2021.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.