RNC to Feature Pro-Trump Democrats Who Started the KKK

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA — In a surprise development, the Republican National Convention, being held in Charlotte this week, will feature speeches from several pro-Trump Democrats. Adding to the intrigue and spectacle of the event, the pro-Trump Democrats will be some of the very same Democrats that started the KKK.

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“We all know that one of our strongest and most solid talking points, as conservatives, is that the Democrats are the ones that started the KKK,” Republican strategist Bill Riccilumbo told reporters this morning. “This talking point works so well, of course, because we all know that party and ideology are exactly the same, and that’s why Democrats are the ones still trying to put up and defend statues of confederate soldiers and generals, right?”

Riccilumbo was critical to the process of finding pro-Trump Democrats to speak at the convention this week, he told reporters.

“All last week, the Democrats kept running RINOS — Republicans In Name Only — in front of the American people,” Riccilumbo said, “and that made us realize there must be some Democrats out there who understand how great a president Trump is! Turns out, we were right, and all we had to do is go back in time to find them!”

Mr. Riccilumbo indicated that in order to locate the Democrats that would vote for President Trump and agreed with his policies, all he had to do was “invent time travel” and go back to the pre-Civil War era of American history. There, Riccilumbo said, he found “oodles and oodles” of Democrats who aligned themselves with Trump’s white nationalism.

“Once I arrived in 1859,” Riccilumbo told reporters, “I was absolutely floored by how many Democrats I found that would agree with everything I told them Trump wanted to do! I swear to God, if Democrats acted today like they did back then, President Trump would get a lot more done!”

Shortly before his second lunch today, President Trump addressed the situation, and said he was “bigly pleased” that Riccilumbo was able to locate so many Democrats willing to speak on his behalf. Trump said that he was told several of them wound up fighting in the Civil War, and that made him “excited to have more vets” who back his re-election. Trump said he was keen on letting the American people hear from the pro-Trump Democrats in the interest of showing he has “bipartisan support.”

“We’re gonna have the Democrats who started the KKK get up there and speak in support of me,” Trump said, “because I think it’s important for the American people to see I have bipartisan support just like Sleepy Joe does!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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