Flaming Cross to Deliver 2020 RNC Keynote Address

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA — Last week, the Democratic National Committee held its annual convention and officially nominated former Vice President Joe Biden as its candidate for the presidency. It was a convention for the record books, but not because of how many people were attendance; quite the opposite actually. The COVID-19 pandemic forced the DNC to move to a completely virtual convention, and the new format was met mostly with positive reviews.

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Today, the Republicans get their chance to hold their own virtual convention, this time for the sole purpose of nominating President Donald Trump for re-election. Current polling shows Trump has a tough road ahead of him; having just barely threaded a historically tight needle to win four years ago, and not having expanded his base in the last four years. Even long-held Republican mainstays like Georgia and Arizona have been put into play as possible toss-ups. There’s no doubt on the Hill that the White House wants and needs every speech delivered at this year’s RNC to be as close to a home run as possible.

The president is scheduled to speak all four nights, and his adult crotch fruit will all deliver speeches as well. However, word broke this morning that the Trump campaign, acknowledging their need to kick their machine into high gear, has decided to pull out all the stops, securing an appearance from one of the most popular figures among pro-Trump Republicans — a flaming cross.

“We are excited to announce a late addition to the lineup of speakers for this week’s truly bigly amazing Republican National Convention,” RNC deputy spokesperson Chad Beefington told reporters today. “If there’s one thing that Dear President’s supporters have in common, it’s a deep abiding love of flaming crosses. So when we were able to secure one to give the keynote address, we knew we had something truly special in store for everyone.”

The topics and theme of the flaming cross’s speech have not been announced, and Beefington said he wanted to “keep some stuff a surprise,” but regardless of the content of the address, the RNC thinks they’ve managed to book a speaker who will “enthrall, captivate, and inspire” the president’s base, Beefington announced.

“Very honestly it doesn’t matter that the flaming cross says,” Beefington mused, “because as soon as the president’s base sees its flames and realizes what they’re seeing, we’ll have whipped them into a frenzy the likes of which haven’t been seen since the first glorious shots fired on Ft. Sumter.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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