WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ever since former President Barack Obama spoke last night during the 2020 Democratic National Convention, the man who succeeded him has been tweeting at a quickened pace, and angry tone. This morning, D.C. doctors confirmed that President Trump has been tweeting almost non-stop, only taking breaks to sleep, snort Adderall, and pile-drive handfuls of fried chicken into face because somehow during his speech, President Obama managed to wedge his entire foot up Trump’s rectum.
“We can’t be sure exactly when President Obama’s foot entered President Trump’s rectal cavity,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux told reporters in front of the White House this morning, “but we do know, using advanced techniques, that it was during Obama’s DNC speech.”
Obama’s speech contained a grave warning to Americans not to allow President Trump a second term. Obama blasted Trump’s entire presidency, but zeroed in specifically on his leadership during the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. There’s no question that Obama and Trump are bitter rivals, rooted in the latter’s dogged, racially-charged trolling of the former for nearly a decade.
If there was any happiness in excoriating the man who pinned a racist lie on him about his birth status, Obama didn’t show much of it. Always a powerful orator, Obama reached deep into his rhetorical bag of tricks and with a somber, sometimes emotional tone, evoked both America’s dark past, and it’s bright spots of hope and humanity.
“We know for a fact that by the time Obama called out the president by name, his foot had already slipped so far up inside Trump’s anus that Lindsey Graham could tell what size shoe Obama wears,” Hornaydieux divulged. “This is really one of the most acute cases of footinassitis I’ve ever seen, quite frankly.”
Dr. Hornaydieux said that Trump’s compulsive barrage of tweets in the wake of Obama’s speech keeps coming apace because of where Obama’s foot is positioned in Trump’s butthole.
“Apparently, the president has a sort of G-spot, if you will, in his butthole,” Hornaydieux explained. “Except we call it his T-spot, because as soon as its got any pressure on it, he starts firing of tweets in rapid succession. It’s a reflexive response, actually, so when Obama put his foot up Trump’s ass, it was only a matter of time until it hit his T-spot and send Trump into a full blown tweet-rage.”
While Dr. Hornaydieux could not give the American people any ETA on when doctors can safely extract Obama’s foot from Trump’s anal orifice, he did have some good news for the public.
“We might not ever be able to get President Obama’s foot out of Trump’s asshole,” Hornaydieux said, “but on November 3rd, we have a chance to remove an asshole from the Oval Office, and we’re currently working on the assumption that dislodging Trump from the White House will also help release Obama’s foot from his butthole, but we’re monitoring that situation quite closely, indeed.”
Watch President Obama’s full remarks, below:
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.