RNC Declares Lincoln’s Assassination ‘Legitimate Political Discourse’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican National Committee might, as it turns out, have a slightly different definition of the words “legitimate,” “political,” and “discourse,” than most of the English-speaking world.

Last week, the RNC called the events of January 6th, 2021 “legitimate political discourse,” and accused those of participating in the January 6th Special Select Committee of trying to silence that discourse. Specifically, the RNC was calling out two of its own conference members — Rep. Liz Cheney (WY) and Rep. Adam Kinzinger (IL), both of whom have remained on the committee. The RNC also formally censured the pair of Republicans last week, further signaling how much it has invested in keeping Donald Trump’s reputation clean in the eyes of his believers.

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This morning, the RNC made another head-scratching declaration. In a written statement, the Republican National Committee demanded that “all history books, historical records, and Bibles” be updated to call the assassination of Abraham Lincoln “legitimate political discourse.”

“To whom it may concern — it is time for the history books to accurately reflect the truth,” the RNC’s demand begins, “and now is also a time for us to make melanin-free, mayo loving Americans feel more coddled, not less so.”

“As such, we hereby demand that all history books, historical records, and Bibles be updated in such a way as the assassination of Abraham Lincoln is labeled as ‘legitimate political discourse.’ This will bring the books in-line with modern conservative values. Values such as it’s okay to commit acts of violence if your feelings are hurt about votes being counted.”

On Steve Bannon’s podcast, Freshman Congresspony Marjorie Taylor Greene whinnied her agreement with the RNC’s letter.

“I think it’s a great letter, Steve! For far too long we’ve let the loony left socialist libtards control the narrative. Why was the North right? Huh? Sounds to me like a bunch of federal overreach happened, and a bunch of good, clean, ammo hoarding American patriots lost their personal property at Appomattox! So who could blame J-Dub Booth for taking his Second Amendment rights in his own hands and ending the tyranny of Lincoln?”

Former White House Nazi in Chief, Stephen Miller, hailed the letter and told Tucker Carlson “only Republicans can make this demand.”

“We Republicans belong to the same party Lincoln did,” Miller asked rhetorically. “If any party has the right to do this, it’s the Party of Pretending to Be Like Lincoln.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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