House Judiciary Republicans Give Trump Best “Defense” They Can During Impeachment Hearing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee offered the best possible “defense” of President Donald Trump that they could this morning. It’s being reported that Trump told aides during a break in the committee’s impeachment hearing that he felt “very satisfied” and “bigly released” from the pressure of the hearing.

While it’s unclear exactly what the “defense” put on by the GOP members of the committee accomplished in terms of exculpating the president for his attempts to pressure Ukraine into digging up political dirt on former Vice President Joe Biden’s son, it’s very clear, judging by the reaction in the White House, that the president is quite pleased. Notably, the Republicans did not provide any direct defense of Trump’s actions. Instead, they focused their efforts on “defending” Trump’s ego from attack. They “defended” his genitals voraciously and with intense focus.

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“I’M NOT INTERESTED IN DEFENDING THE PRESIDENT’S ACTIONS BECAUSE IN MY MIND HE’S THE GOD EMPEROR KING AND HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS ANYWAY,” Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) shouted at reporters during a break in the hearing, “SO YES I WILL FOCUS MY ENERGIES ON KEEPING OUR DEAR PRESIDENT HAS HAPPY AS I CAN, AND IF THAT MEANS FLUFFING HIS BALLS AND HIS PRIDE, THEN BY GOD THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO!”

Gaetz pulled a flask from the breast pocket of his suit jacket, opened it, and took an enormous belt from it.

“LOOK, THIS IS A SHAM, OKAY?! A TOTALLY CONSTITUTIONAL SHAM THAT WE ARE POWERLESS TO STOP BECAUSE WE HITCHED OUR POLITICAL CAREERS TO A D-LIST REALITY TV STAR AND MULTIPLE FAILED BUSINESSMAN,” Gaetz continued to shout. “WE LOST IN HISTORIC FASHION IN LAST YEAR’S MIDTERMS SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON, WANT OUR PRESIDENT TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE, AND THAT IS VERY DANGEROUS! THAT IS WHY WE ARE TRYING TO OBSTRUCT THIS HEARING, BUT ALSO WHY WE ARE SLURPING DOWN AS MUCH OF THE PRESIDENT’S BABY BATTER AS WE CAN!”

While he pulled a vial of cocaine from his other jacket pocket, dipped a car key into it, and took a snort, Gaetz was shoved aside from the microphone so that Rep. Gym Jordan could speak to the media next.

“Yeah, I justed to reiterate that all of the Democrats’ evidence is hearsay, as in people heard the president say stuff they didn’t like,” Jordan said. “I’m sorry, but does that set a precedent we really want? Because now, if someone hears the president murdering an intern, they’re gonna say something, and probably cause a whole big impeachment ruckus. But, I’m sorry, I gotta say it, if we don’t live in a country where a Republican president can literally do whatever he wants, as if the law doesn’t apply to him, we do not live in America anymore, and you might as well butt-fuck a bald eagle while you shred the Constitution and shit on Betsy Ross’s tits. Nothing that I just said makes any sense, but that makes me completely on-brand, so let me just move aside so Rep. Gaetz can yell at you a little more.”

Rep. Gaetz, coke powder still caked to his nostrils, launched right into it again.

“THIS ISN’T BENGHAZI, OKAY? WE KNEW THAT KILLARY CLINT-STONED WAS GUILTY BECAUSE FOR FIRST OFF, SHE’S DEMOCRAT,” Gaetz screamed. “SECOND OF OFF, SHE WAS WORKING FOR GEORGE SOROS AND BARACK HOOO-SAIN OBAMA TO TAKE IN GOD WE TRUST OFF OUR MONEY AND COINS. WE KNOW THIS FOR A FACT! I HAVE EVIDENCE TO BACK THAT UP, BUT I SEEM TO HAVE USED IT TO SUCK MORE COKE INTO MY NOSE, SO AS SOON AS I GET AN EMAIL FROM ALEX JONES WITH THE EVIDENCE HE MADE UP AGAIN I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU.”

Gaetz seemed to shit his pants at this point, but he didn’t acknowledge that fact, and just kept yelling.

“I DON’T SMELL ANYTHING. I DON’T SEE A TRAIL OF HOT, LIQUID SHIT COMING OUT OF MY PANT LEG,” Gaetz howled after another solid ten minutes of shouting about Democrats’ attempts to conduct a coup against Trump. “THAT’S FAKE NEWS. WHAT ISN’T FAKE NEWS IS THE DEMOCRATS TRYING TO BRAZENLY USE THEIR CONSTITUTIONALLY MANDATED AUTHORITY AND DUTY TO WANTONLY TRY TO CHECK AND BALANCE GOD EMPEROR TRUMP’S POWER. WHERE THESE CUCKS GET THE BALLS TO TRY THAT SHIT IS BEYOND ME, BUT I NEED MORE COKE TO THINK, SO HERE’S DOUG COLLINS TO DRAWAL AND COMPLAIN ABOUT PROCESS INSTEAD OF DEFENDING TRUMP’S ACTIONS.”

Rep. Gaetz stood aside while ranking member Congressman Doug Collins stepped up to the microphones.

“I just want to say that while I defended the president in there, my gag reflex was never triggered, at all,” Collins said. “I think that should mean something to everyone. I really do. I was just slobbering and defending all over his mushroom in there, and I didn’t gag once! Not once! Talk about a perfect man! His dong-wanger is so good it never makes you gag!”

Collins also pointed out that he and his fellow Republicans “didn’t just defend the president with angry, forceful, public fellatio.”

“We also raised inane objections and whined and cried like little bitches,” Collins said. “Now write that down, too. Write down that we did more than just suck him off in there. Do it! Do it now! NOW NOW NOW NOW!”

Jordan, Gaetz, Gohmert, and Collins turned and walked away. All four slipped and fell, Home Alone style, on the puddle of Gaetz’ coke-fueled diarrhea.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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