Despite Lack of Rent, Obama Looking for ‘Less Racist and Stupid’ Place to Live

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Barack Obama announced today that he and his family are looking for a new space to call home, despite not being required to pay a single dollar in rent at their current location. Obama said his family is “looking for a place that’s a little less stupid and a lot less racist” than their current surroundings.

“Look, I enjoy not having a rent payment as much as anyone would. As a hardcore, devout socialist that didn’t actually hold any banks accountable for tanking our economy, I love free stuff a whole lot, of course. However, the leader of the Soros-Alinsky Alliance of Socialist Kenyan Communist Sharia Dictators cannot continue to live where he calls home today,” Obama said during an interview on ABC News. “So we’re looking for new places to rent. Places that aren’t stupid or racist. Or at least markedly less so.”

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Obama says that it’s become “increasingly clear” to him and his wife that their headquarters is built on “an ancient racist fuckwit graveyard.”

“I should’ve known that having Birth Certificate Boy as a landlord might not work out perfectly for us in the end,” Obama admitted, “but any family looking to maximize dollars in their budget will leap at an offer of a rent-free existence. It turns out the axiom is true in this case though — be careful what you wish for.”

When a recent, all-caps tweet with his name and a suffix referencing Richard Nixon’s Watergate scandal was sent by his landlord, that was what he called the “start of real momentum” toward relocating his family.

“Talk around the office started to shift from our shared core, libtard values — namely taking away literally every gun from every law-abiding Christian Conservative and forcing them to get gay married and then abort their kids, even if they’re already out of the house with kids of their own,” Obama explained, “toward what we were going to do about how obsessed our landlord was with me. I mean, he was riding my dick like a unicyclist trying to perform and eat a bucket of KFC at the same time, which ironically is also how you could describe much of what he considers doing his job.”

Obama knew that he had to get his wife and daughters refocused on their mission of reforming the United States into a socialist Sharia-enforced hellish dystopian nightmare. Then, their landlord tweeted again. The urgency was amplified exponentially, Obama said.

“Things were really starting to come to a head with that white collar white supremacist,” Obama said. “I was really at this point super-duper regretting allowing our home to be moved to where it was. It was definitely not looking good.”

Then, his landlord retweeted an attack on him made by the man who holds the world record for the largest forehead containing the smallest brain charted. The pressure to move started to boil over at this point, according to Obama.

“And then he had the balls to tweet that I’m incompetent and corrupt,” Obama laughed. “Imagine that. It’s like a turd calling a fart stinky.  The last tweet, though. It was really the final straw.”

As stupid as his current location is, Obama said, it’s equally as racist. That presents a whole slew of additional challenges, the former president asserted. The newly-minted “Obamagate” scandal, he said, is “pretty much coded talk” for a new racist attack on him, just as the ” birther”movement — also championed by Obama’s landlord — had been.

“Obamagate. You hear that word, and it just feels like they wanna be saying the N-word instead, doesn’t it,” Obama asked with some humor in his voice. “Even if this place wasn’t so dumb, we’d still be leaving because of how racist it is. And if it wasn’t stupid or racist, we’d leave because of all the cheeseburger and fried chicken farts. Holy shit that’s maybe worse than the stupidity or the racism. Maybe.”

It’s unclear where Obama will move his family to. However, he did mention speaking to Joe Biden about an idea he had that, if it were to come to fruition, would keep him in D.C. awhile longer.

“Ginsburg will very likely be off the bench during the next president’s term, maybe even one of the older conservaderps,” Obama suggested. “I kinda sorta happen to have a law degree. And Supreme Court seats are lifetime appointments. Man would I like a shot at bringing America down from within for the rest of my Allah-damn life! So, we might be sticking around this town a bit longer anyway.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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