PHARDT CLOUD, NEW YORK — Fox News host Sean Hannity told listeners of his radio show this morning that he believes President Donald J. Trump will “go down in the history books as one of the greatest wartime presidents ever” due to how hell he believes the administration is addressing the coronavirus pandemic and the related economic catastrophe.
“We are the Party of Lincoln, we Republicans. You can tell by how much we defend Confederate flags and monuments and parrot confederate talking points about slavery,” Hannity told his audience, “and I’ve been thinking a lot about this. The Tyrant Lincoln is considered a great war time president, like Washington, and that commie-cuck FDR. But I believe deep-down that Dear President Trump is a better war time president than all of them combined!”
Hannity believes that the “bold inaction, and unprecedented laziness” shown by Trump in his initial handling of the coronavirus outbreak puts him in the “pantheon of great wartime presidents.” In fact, Hannity believes Trump is such a strong wartime president that if he had been in charge during the Civil War, “things would be drastically different in America.”
“As great as Dear Trump has been in helping the, you know, economic anxiety — wink, wink, racism, wink wink — of we white conservatives,” Hannity supposed, “imagine if Trump had been president back during the Civil War! Our side would have won it! No stupid 13th Amendment! People could be slaves if they wanted to because that’s how America should work! The government shouldn’t be in the business of telling people they can’t treat humans like furniture! That’s not how freedom works, and President God Emperor King Trump would have made sure we crushed those Yankees!”
Hannity let out a rebel yell so loud he farted so much he had to take a commercial break. When he returned from the break, he told everyone he had a “bigly special guest on the line.” Hannity welcomed President Trump to his show.
“Welcome, Herr Trump, to the show! How have things been since we whispered sweet nothings, said we loved each other, and said goodbye last night,” Hannity asked his friend.
Trump said he’d been a “little down, actually.”
“I’ve been a little down, actually, Sean. You see,” Trump said, “all these enemies of the people in the LAMESTREAM media won’t talk enough about my new racist conspiracy theory. Obamagate. They keep asking me, like the soyboy betas they are, where my evidence is. They keep asking me what specific crime Obama committed as if I’ve had enough time to make it up! It’s just so rude. They’re all so very rude, nasty, and mean to me, the cunts. The big, piece of shit fuckface cunts, all of them. Very rude and nasty to me. Should be illegal, probably is illegal, definitely will be illegal if I win a second term.”
Hannity asked the president if he thought, as Hannity does, that Trump would have won if he’d been president during the Civil War.
“I hate to say this, but I’ll say it anyway because it makes me sound tough, cool, and like a winner,” Trump said, “but yes. I think I’d have won. There’d have been no surrender. Apple-matic or whatever it is wouldn’t have happened. I win, you see. Big winner. As long as someone else did all the work before I got there, I have every confidence that I would have won that war, absolutely.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.