WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though it’s unclear whether it’s true or not, this week President Donald J. Trump announced that he is currently taking hydroxychloroquine, an anti-malarial drug that has not been approved by any sanctioning body for the widespread treatment of COVID-19.
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Mr. Trump has been heavily promoting the use of hydroxychloroquine and hinting that he’s heard news of its success in some as of yet to be disclosed clinical trials for weeks now. While answering questions from reporters, Trump implied that the drug — which has carries published harmful, perhaps even deadly side effects — is safe to use because he uses it himself.
The buzz about whether or not Trump — someone who has a notoriously iffy relationship with Planet Truth — is actually taking hydroxychloroquine soon consumed social media. However, over at the Food and Drug Administration, there was no time to determine if Trump’s claims were true. The FDA was too busy finalizing the results on a study that seems to indicate there is a new harmful side-effect to be mindful of when using hydroxychloroquine.
Permanent Butthole Mouth.
The New England Medical and Coupon Journal describes permanent butthole mouth, or PBM as the medical community shortens it, as “an autoimmune disease that leaves its victim stricken with an oral orifice that looks, smells, and functions exactly as a butthole would.” It’s unclear at this time, according to sources close to the situation, how long the president has suffered from PBM. What is clear according to White House medical staff, however, is that Trump has the worst case of the disease ever recorded anywhere.
“We have not at any point in time ever encountered a patient with such a stark, unmistakable case of PBM,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux announced. “In all seriousness, the president’s case of PBM is so bad, it seems like he’s been taking hydroxychloroquine his entire life. Quite frankly, we’re not sure why he made-up having bone spurs to avoid the Vietnam draft when he had a very real, very obvious debilitating disease such as permanent butthole mouth he could claim. One look at his mouth, and one sentence from it, and the draft board would have probably torn up his draft card themselves.”
While the outward appearance of Trump’s mouth is what Hornaydieux calls a “dead giveaway,” there were other clues that would have given his team the idea that Trump suffers from PBM.
“Even if his mouth didn’t often look like a cat’s puckered rectum, which it very often does,” Hornaydieux explained, “the things that come out of it would still be a huge indicator of this diagnosis. I defy anyone to play a clip of Trump speaking against a clip of someone having a very wet fart without knowing which is which, and to correctly identify them. You can’t. A butthole and the president’s mouth are literally the same thing.”
Hornaydieux said that the research into the causes of PBM is still in its very early stages. However, there is one “very interesting” relationship between permanent butthole mouth and another horribly disfiguring disease, which Trump’s namesake happens to suffer from. Chronic Jizz Face is a disease that contorts the victim’s face in such a way as to make it look like they’re constantly “taking a white hot load to the face with no advanced warning,” Hornaydieux said, and Donald Trump Jr. has it.
“Up to this point, we didn’t know if CJF and PBM were related. We’d certainly had our suspicions, but it wasn’t until Trump and his third-smartest son were confirmed carriers that we knew for sure,” Hornaydieux described. “So, now that we have this link between the diseases established, we have bigly new avenues of research to explore.”
The White House has asked Americans to pray for a speedy recovery for the president.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.