White House Tells Paul They’ll Send KY the Bootstraps He Wanted to Send After Hurricane Maria

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Soon, thousands of bootstraps will be delivered to local emergency response teams in Kentucky.

According to White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki, President Joe Biden met this morning with Sen. Rand Paul (Q-KY), who represents the Coal State and has been using his social media accounts to try to publicize resources for Kentuckians devastated by deadly tornadoes, just days ago. Biden offered to help Sen. Paul constituents during the meeting, Psaki said. However, at least at first, it won’t be money that the White House directs FEMA to distribute.

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“The president informed Sen. Paul that he is more than willing to provide the same amount of help for Kentucky as the senator was willing to send to Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. Or, if he prefers, we can match the level of effort Sen. Paul wanted to put in on behalf of his fellow Americans after Hurricane Sandy,” Psaki announced.

Sen. Paul has long been one of the loudest critics of sending FEMA aid to states and localities after natural disasters. Notably, however, within hours of the deadly tornadoes in his home state, Paul was assuring constituents he would work with federal authorities to secure them the exact aid he has tried to withhold from others previously. Psaki insisted the decision to send bootstraps to Kentucky isn’t personal or political, and didn’t rule out financial aid also being sent.

“Obviously, the president wants to help, and clearly Sen. Paul’s hypocrisy should not keep Kentuckians from receiving the help they so desperately need. At some point very soon, I am sure we will have an aid package sent to FEMA resources in Kentucky. However, President Biden also understands this is a teachable moment, and it might be a chance to teach Kentucky what happens when you elect a fiscal sociopath with shitty hair that couldn’t get certified by an independent medical board and had to create his own,” Psaki said.

Sen. Paul could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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