Senator Coalfarts McFuckface Doesn’t Want Infrastructure Plan to Pay for Clean Air or Water

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats on the Hill all seem to know the stakes.

Time is running out before next year’s mid-terms, and if the scores of breathless op-eds written on the subject are to be believed, they could lose control of both chambers of Congress. This means that passing President Joe Biden’s aggressively progressive agenda — a massive infrastructure investment and a restored, more robust Voting Rights Act — soon, has to become a priority if the Dems hope to go back to the voters with legislative accomplishments to tout. Over the course of the first year of the Biden administration’s tenure, however, it’s become clear that two Democratic Senators are unwilling and unable to be team players, and both have stalled the momentum their party carried into this year, having squarely defeated Don Trump and the Republicans in 2020.

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In particular, these so-called “moderate” Democrats have raised doubts about the price tag of Biden’s agenda. The cost of the proposals aside, however, Democratic Senator Coalfarts McFuckface of West Virginia, is also stalwartly against the president’s infrastructure plan being used to tackle the issue of climate change. McFuckface is one of the wealthiest men in congress, and literally made most of his money in the coal industry.

Speaking to reporters this morning, Sen. McFuckface explained his stance, and attempted to show some “subtle nuances” to his arguments.

“Listen, I’ve tried really, really hard to be sympathetic to what those dirt poor folks who elected me need to survive,” McFuckface tried to explain, “but nobody has really convinced me that clean air and water are NECESSITIES to live, you know what I mean?”

Farting pure coal dust, Sen. McFuckface continued.

“It’s, like, okay, I get it, technically if we don’t do something about climate change, and if we don’t at the bare minimum pick off the low-hanging fruit, things will get worse. Oceans will rise. Air quality will drop to the point that people are dying of lung cancer before they turn 30. However, despite all that, I’m left with one, burning question. Why the fuck should I care about any of that?”

McFuckface blasted his fellow Democrats for “putting the health and safety of Americans of all generations” over the balance in his families’ bank accounts.

“Don’t my great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren deserve to be billionaires, and to rule for all time over whatever is left of the human grist at the bottom of the food chain? Is that not the America we live in any longer? Because if it’s not, then what was the point of me helping to keep coal companies afloat all these years? What was the point of making myself even richer, while the environment got dirtier and dirtier, guys?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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