Man Can’t Find Clitoris or Woman to Debate Gender Wage Gap With Him

CELIBATE HILLS, NEW JERSEY — 28 year old Matthew J. Palumbo is what many people in his hometown describe as a “loser,” a “conspiracy theory peddling fascist,” a “white nationalist douchebag,” and an “incel.” Mr. Palumbo told us in a recent Skype interview that all of those titles fit, and he’s proud of each one.

“It’s okay to be white, first of all. And yes, I don’t get laid, but that’s probably more to do with women being indoctrinated against strong, virile men who live with their parents while helping Dan Bongino host his shitty websites than it is anything I myself do or don’t do,” Palumbo told us.

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Two weeks ago, Matt tells us he started a personal quest: to confirm the existence of the female clitoris. Palumbo admits he’s never quite gotten close enough to a vagina — since his birth anyway — to confirm whether a clit is real or not, but he was hoping to find out the answers to his questions on that front as quickly as possible.

“I honestly don’t think they even exist. I think the myth of the female orgasm was started by George Soros to bring America down from within. I don’t understand why, but women so far haven’t been receptive to me walking up to them and demanding, as a man and in the name of science, to see their clitoris. Blame the 19th Amendment, if you ask me. First you let them vote, then they’re telling you that you need consent to see their clits,” Palumbo said as he rolled his eyes.

His efforts to find a clitoris aside, Matt is also having a hard time on another female-related front.

“I think this really shows you how far ingrained the radical feminist ways are in American women, I really do. I can’t find a single one to answer my demand to debate the gender wage gap with me. Can you believe that? Not a single woman knows her place well enough to understand that when a man tells them to do something, they need to do it. What is this world coming to,” Palumbo asked rhetorically.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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