MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Depending on whether the federal judge in his criminal case allows the Department of Justice to drop the charges against retired Army General Michael Flynn, he’s been cleared to return to the White House by the Kremlin.
“This morning, our great President Vladimir Putin gave his expressed, written consent for our American bureau to rehire true hero Michael Flynn,” Putin Deputy Junior Press Secretary Yuri Sonovabich explained to reporters during a press conference. “Provided that General Flynn is released from his capture by the evil American justice system, President Putin believes he’ll make a wonderful addition to his American team, and has made that very clear to President Trump.”
Last week, alleged-American Attorney General William Barr shocked the country when his justice department moved to completely drop the charges against Flynn. General Flynn has pled guilty on multiple occasions to multiple charges, including lying to the FBI and lying to Vice President Mike Pence about being an unregistered foreign agent of Turkey. Flynn also has documented ties to Russia, and many believe those connections to the Kremlin are why he was brought onto the Trump administration to begin with.
During the Robert Mueller investigation into Russia’s attempts to subvert the American presidential election in 2016, Flynn was arrested and indicted for his role in the transition from the Obama administration to the Trump administration. Flynn was initially given a plea deal, and then eventually backtracked on that deal. However, he never withdrew his guilty plea, and Barr stepped in before Flynn could be sentenced, an exceedingly rare development.
“Obviously our great president agrees with the wannabe-president in D.C., that General Flynn was treated very unfairly,” Sonovabich said. “Just because he lied to the FBI about being a traitor to his country, why should that disqualify him from working in a White House already full of traitors? Quite frankly, if it were up to President Putin — and let’s be honest, it really is — President Trump would completely dismantle the DOJ along with all semblance of the American justice system and the rule of law. Oh wait, he’s already doing that isn’t he? Tee hee!”
Senator Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Taint) called this development “meaningful and significant.”
“Right up until about the time I dropped out of the 2016 presidential race, I’d have been astonished and angry about this,” Cruz told W-KKK’s Chip Chatterly this morning. “But it’s amazing how much more I am willing to accept as being okay now that I have no morals, scruples, or integrity and have instead sacrificed all of them to be in a death cult with a reality-TV game show host!”
Another fellow Republican, Senator Lindsey Graham, said in an Instagram story he posted over the weekend that “of course” Flynn should be reinstated as soon as possible.
“Don’t get me wrong, for most of my political career, the thought of a president, any president, getting cozy with a guy on the payroll of the authoritarian despot who attacked our elections would make me angry as all hell,” Graham explained, “but y’all out there understand one thing about me, I know. And that’s that I kinda just love the taste of Trump’s dick now, so I’m good with this. I mean, whatever, right? Does anything really matter anymore?”
The White House could not be reached for comment. They were already on the other line with Moscow.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.