Doctors Discover Fatal Rectal Cancer in Department of Justice

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Doctors in the nation’s capital discovered what they’re calling the “most aggressive, repugnant, fatal rectal cancer” of their collective medical careers in the Department of Justice this morning.

During routine screenings, D.C. medical staff found stage 15 rectal cancer lodged deep within the colon of the DOJ. According to the doctors, the cancer appears to be non-operable, and most certainly threatens the life of the Justice Department, as well as the concept of “justice” in and of itself. It has not yet been established if chemotherapy or radiation will be useful in extracting the cancerous tumor in the DOJ, but the medical team did offer a small glimmer of hope to Americans hoping to save their cherished justice system from the sure death wrought upon it by the newly discovered rectal cancer.


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“While surgical, chemo, and radiation treatments would likely prove fruitless,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux told reporters, “there is one sure-fire way to get the ass cancer we found out of the Department of Justice. Vote the cancer’s boss out. I know that sounds weird, cancer having a boss, and that boss’s elected position being the key to removing it, but that’s where we are today, folks.”

Dr. Hornaydieux described this newly discovered strain of cancer as a “once in a lifetime pox and scourge on humanity.” Hornaydieux also described in great detail what this form of rectal cancer targets, and what it seeks to destroy. The doctor painted a grim picture of what could happen to the Justice Department if the cancer isn’t removed as quickly as possible.

“This particular strain of ass cancer wipes out all integrity, fairness, and equity,” Hornaydieux explained. “It’s quite deadly to anything it stays in for too long.”

Though doctors confirmed the diagnosis this week, they’d had suspicions that a “cancer of some kind” had attacked the DOJ long before then. As early as when Bob Mueller finished his probe into the Russian attempts to subvert the 2016 election with or without the help of the Trump campaign. But, Hornaydieux said, it felt more like a “well-educated guess” at the time.

“When the Mueller Report dropped, the cancerous tumor in the DOJ was the first person to try and hide what it really said about Trump’s campaign from the American people,” Hornaydieux said. “It’s been painfully clear to us from the moment we took notice of this particular carcinogenic douchebag that he doesn’t view his job as someone who upholds justice, but rather bastardizes and twists it so that no Republican president is ever guilty of any sin, ever. He’s done his hardest work trying to create a two-tiered justice system — one for Republicans and one for Democrats — proving he’s the most cancerous influence on the department, perhaps ever.”

What finally helped Hornaydieux and his team positively identify the malactor in the DOJ as cancer was seeing what happened with the case of retired Army General Michael Flynn. Mr. Flynn, who famously led Trump supporters in “lock her up” chants during the 2016 campaign, wound-up ensnared in Mueller’s investigation when it was discovered he lied to FBI agents, a serious crime before the Trumpian era of the two-tiered justice system, Hornaydieux said.

“Flynn admitted his guilt. Admitted it. So many people gave him the chance to change his lie to a truth, but he refused, and kept on lying, and then admitted to his crime in court,” Hornaydieux said while showing the reporters charts and graphs. “Nothing, and I mean literally nothing, kills a Justice Department faster than a bloviating, servile, cancerous lesion in the rectum and/or Attorney General’s office.”

Thankfully, Hornaydieux says Americans still have a chance to keep the death that this particular rectal cancer brings with it from being permanent.

“All people have to do is vote in November. Sure, he can kill justice for a time being,” Hornaydieux explained, “but he can’t kill it forever. Not if the voters don’t let him get away with it, anyway. So if you want to rid your body of cancer, see a doctor. If you want to rid your government of an ass cancer, vote his bloated orange fuckface boss out of office this November. Those are pretty much your options at this point.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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