MOSCOW, RUSSIA — He’s finally had enough time to process it. He didn’t want to believe it at first, but there’s just no denying it, particularly now that Joe Biden is officially the President of the United States of America. He has no choice; he has to face facts, and in a new television interview, Vladimir Putin admits he’s “feeling sad and depressed” about being a one-term president installer.
“You successfully meddle in democracy, and you start thinking about how many terms you’re going to get to stay in power by proxy,” Putin told the Russian state media interviewer. “Maybe even disabuse people of the silly notion of term limits in the first place. Never in my worst nightmares did I envision being a one term president installer, and I’m not sure I’m going to live the shame down in my own head any time soon.”
In retrospect, Putin admitted, he “maybe should have not gone with the ‘can’t keep casinos in the black’ guy.”
“Look, of course I knew that that his bottled water tasted like the piss he likes his whores to pee on things Obama touched,” Putin admitted. “Of course I knew his steaks tasted like he took his Big Mac shits and put them in a steak-shaped mold. I guess I was just hoping that he was really, really, really, really, really overdue for accomplishing something.”
President Putin is sure he will want to try another presidential installation again; he’s just not exactly sure who he will choose to use.
“Ordinarily, I’d say that nepotism would be the way to go,” Putin hinted. “However, it can’t be his oldest daughter because that means he’d be sleeping in the White House again. It can’t be either of his adult sons because, well, they’re somehow dumber than him, and he’s dumber than the shit I took this morning. Apparently he has another daughter, but she’s not hot and even I don’t give a fuck about her.”
Putin paused, thinking for a moment.
“So, maybe I will give the youngest one, Balloon or whatever the hell he is called, a chance,” Putin mused. “For the short term, I got Rand Paul on speed-dial. We’ll see what shakes loose.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.