Bill Barr Is Totally Outraged (Wink, Wink) by Trump’s Inappropriate Tweets (Wink, Wink)

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General William Barr is, like, really very unnerved (wink, wink) by President Trump’s continuous, stream of consciousness tweets (wink, wink), particularly those that seem to inappropriately place him in the middle of a case being handled by the Department of Justice (wink, wink). AG Barr considers himself non-partisan (wink, wink), and has great misgivings about using the DOJ for politically motivated purposes (wink, wink). In an ABC interview yesterday, Barr made it very clear that he’s super-duper upset (wink, wink), with Trump’s recent attempts to use tweets to dictate to the DOJ how they should handle the case of his former campaign adviser, Roger Stone.

“I’m not going to be bullied (wink, wink) or influenced (wink, wink) by anybody,” Barr said in an exclusive interview just a day after Trump bellyached about the sentence DOJ prosecutors asked Stone be given, “whether it’s Congress, newspaper editorial boards, or the president(wink, wink).”

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Attorney General Barr already has a dubious reputation for remaining impartial in affairs that concern the president. He has openly stated he believes the Trump campaign was “spied on” in 2016, despite the basis of the counterintelligence investigation in question being judged as legal by an inspector general’s report. While that report was a scathing rebuke of some of the decisions and actions taken by FBI and DOJ officials at the time, there has never been any evidence presented that a massive, illegal, sweeping spying campaign was authorized or carried out.

“I cannot do my job here at the department (wink, wink) with a constant background commentary that undercuts me,” Barr would further explain during the ABC interview.

Just weeks after being appointed and confirmed by the Senate, Barr was thrust to the fore when the Mueller Report was concluded and delivered to the DOJ. Barr famously chose not to release the full report initially, and instead wrote a four page summary of the report that largely downplayed or ignored any damaging or concerning conclusions the investigators found in their months-long inquest into Russian interference in the 2016 election, and whether or not Trump or his associates played and collusive role in the Kremlin’s scheme. Ultimately, Barr chose to frame the report’s conclusions as if they’d exonerated the president, when the reality is that the report essentially says that Trump would surely be indicted for obstruction, and perhaps for other crimes, were he not a sitting president with certain immunities from prosecution.

“Oh, hi everyone. Good morning,” Barr told reporters as he arrived at work today, addressing a couple of questions from reporters as he did. “I pretty much said it all yesterday in that interview, but just to reiterate. I am not here to do anyone’s bidding (wink, wink). I am here to do an impartial (wink, wink), unbiased (wink, wink), job for the entire country, and not just one single man (wink, wink). I’m totally shocked and appalled (wink, wink), at the suggestion that I’d be any president’s bag man(wink, wink). Just because I did it before, doesn’t mean I’d do it again.”

Over on Capitol Hill, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) said during a press conference he would “commend” Barr for his “candid and frank obfuscation, chicanery, and subterfuge.” McConnell said he “totally believes, (wink, wink)” what the Attorney General said about not being a political errand runner. Instead, McConnell said, he believes Barr is “the single most impartial (wink, wink) attorney general this country has ever had (wink, wink).”

Roger Stone was convicted by a jury on several charges stemming from the Mueller investigation, including lying to the FBI and witness intimidation. The U.S. attorneys handling his case resigned this week in protest of Barr intervened when they asked the judge in the case for up to nine years in prison for Stone. Trump groused on Twitter about Stone’s treatment and the DOJ submitted a new sentencing request that cut the time by more than half.

“I would’ve done that for anyone (wink, wink), regardless of whether my boss has a personal interest in the case (wink, wink),” Barr said as he entered the DOJ. “Now, please, let me get back to what I’m truly dedicating myself to (wink, wink), being a completely impartial custodian of American justice (wink, wink).”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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